Pandora's Box
by siobhane
Summary: One cursed mystery box, two sworn enemies, and a mission gone wrong. Balamb might never be the same. Written for the 2018 Successor Challenge.
1. Chapter 1

_**Notes** : __I can't guarantee I'll finish this before the deadline but I'll try. Not my best work, and I haven't had much time to give it a good edit (will retcon later i guess) but this is a pairing I've wanted to write for a very long time and never did._

 _It's 100% grade C for crack._

* * *

 _ **20:04 PM** _  
_**Balamb Hotel**_

* * *

Seifer swirled the ice in his drink and shot a glance at the man beside him, who hadn't said more than two words since he'd arrived. He knew why he was here, but he preferred to get on with the particulars so he could enjoy the evening in peace. Squall Leonhart was definitely not his first choice of drinking partners, and this was business.

Squall wouldn't look at him and sat slumped over his own drink with his eyes fixed on the mirror behind the bar, watching the waitress move about the empty room fixing napkins and vases for patrons that weren't there. Every now and then, Squall thumbed the envelope in front of him and grunted.

Two drinks to Squall's one later, Seifer pressed a finger to the edge of the envelope and tugged it. Squall slapped his hand down and turned a frosty glare Seifer's way.

"You gonna give up the goods or do you plan to grunt at me all night?"

Squall didn't relinquish the envelope.

"I need your word you're not going to screw this up," Squall said.

"Your dad sent me. What do you think?"

"My father might trust you," Squall said. "I don't."

"You don't have to trust me," Seifer said and knocked back the rest of his drink. "I'm in the contract, whether you like it or not."

Squall flicked the edge of the envelope and grunted again. Seifer signaled for another round and crossed his arms over his chest.

"It's not personal, Leonhart," Seifer said.

Squall's eyebrows lifted and he smirked.

"Ironic, coming from you."

"You worried your daddy likes me better than he likes you?" Seifer quipped.

"Better you than me," Squall said. Seifer couldn't tell if Squall meant that or not. "You understand that failure isn't an option. The contents are priceless and we can't afford to lose them."

"Sure, got it," Seifer said. He turned his attention to the bartender, who was busy watching the game and not making a fresh drink. "Hey, barkeep. Am I gonna have to go back there and make it myself or what?"

"Hold your damn chocobos," the bartender said. "There's thirty seconds left!"

Seifer was about thirty seconds from climbing over the bar and helping himself, but he didn't fancy going back to prison over a drink.

"I'm timing you."

"How about not making a scene." Squall said through clenched teeth. "I need you to take this seriously."

"Totally serious," Seifer said. "He's got about 15 seconds left. Then everything behind that bar is fair game."

Squall pinched the bridge of his nose and slid the envelope toward him.

"This contains the combination to the box," Squall said. "Under no circumstances are you to give it to anyone."

Seifer stuck the envelope in the pocket of his peacoat without opening it.

"Under no circumstances are you to open the box," Squall said. "I can't stress that enough."

"What the hell is it?"

"Can't tell you that."

"Oh come on. You can't give me the combination to a mystery box and not tell me what's in it."

Squall just stared at him, unblinking.

"All I can tell you is that it's important to my father that it get delivered to the Shumi."

"So its full of nuts and berries"

"It's none of your – "

"Business. Yeah, got it," Seifer said. "Who're you sending with me?"

"Tilmitt."

Seifer forgot about the drink the bartender still wasn't making and narrowed his eyes. Tilmitt. The only other person who could have been a worse choice was Dincht.

"I thought we were trying to avoid an international incident," Seifer said. "You searched her stuff for bombs before she left, right?"

Squall made a funny choking sound. Almost like he was trying not to laugh.

"You know she'll probably try to murder me in my sleep."

"Are you worried?" Squall asked with a cool, level stare.

"Hell no," Seifer said. "I could bench press two of her."

The bartender was still ignoring him. He reached over the bar and grabbed the neck of a bottle left unattended and upended it into his glass.

Squall stared at him for a second, like he was debating whether or not to say anything, then tossed a handful of Gil on the counter.

"You're out on the first train tomorrow morning. Don't be late."

Seifer extended his middle finger and saluted.

"Don't screw this up, Seifer."

Seifer flicked his fingers against the side of his empty glass and grinned.

"It ain't me you gotta worry about."

* * *

 _ **3:03 AM** _  
_**Balamb Train Station**_

* * *

Selphie gritted her teeth and paced up and down the steps of the train station entrance, her fist balled around the envelope containing the details of her mission and her arms wrapped tight around an ornate wooden box set with slivers of mother of pearl and brass. They'd offered to check it for her, but no way was she letting it out of her sight. Whatever was in it, it was priceless.

And that priceless thing had been entrusted to her. No way was she going to entrust it to someone who might accidentally lose or damage it.

It was a pretty box, but it reminded her of the kind of thing people put the ashes of their loved ones or pets inside. She didn't think they would ask a highly ranked SeeD and a mercenary to transport someone's ashes all the way to Trabia, but who knew with the Shumi?

She gave the box a shake. Something inside emitted a musical hum, like a couple of dissonant tuning forks. Sort of calming and pleasant. She shook it again and pictured some sort of rare instrument she wouldn't have a name for if she saw it in person.

It was now 3:10 AM and Almasy still hadn't showed up. He was now 22 minutes late.

Selphie could understand running five or maybe even fifteen minutes behind schedule. She wasn't exactly timely herself, but when it came to other people, she expected them to show up when they were supposed to.

It didn't bode well for the mission ahead of her. She could handle going solo if she had to. In this case, it was preferred. She could not be held accountable for her actions if the big dumb idiot crossed her. As it was, he deserved to be tied to a phone pole while she fired rounds from a grenade launcher at his pretty face.

The speakers inside the train station announced it was time to board. Selphie took one last glance at the dark, deserted street, and picked up her bag.

Fine. Solo it was. She didn't need Seifer Almasy's help anyway, and she wasn't going to let his tardiness spoil her more or less exemplary record.

The platform inside was deserted, except for the bored attendant awaiting passengers.

"Good morning!" she chirped and handed over her ticket. "How are you today?"

"Could use a good strong cup of coffee," the attendant said.

Selphie slipped him enough change to buy a cup from the vending machine across the way. He looked at it like she'd given him a fist full of packing peanuts.

"Thanks, miss," he said, "but I can't accept tips."

"It's not a tip," Selphie said. "It's just one person buying another person a coffee. That should be okay, right?"

"I'm sorry, but – "

Selphie rolled her eyes. Sometimes, rules were stupid. Like this one. This poor guy had to stand here all alone in a deserted train station, probably bored out of his mind, all night long.

"What if I get it for you?" she asked. "Is that allowed?"

She didn't wait for his answer. She turned around and stalked over to the vending machine, selected a mocha, and shifted the box from one hip to the other while the machine whirred to life.

"This is the final boarding call for express service to Timber."

The cup dropped onto the platform. Hot, black coffee and a powdery substance spilled into it. Selphie breathed it in and wished she'd thought of getting a cup for herself while waiting for Seifer to show up.

"Final boarding call for express service to Timber."

The coffee was done dispensing, but the little door wasn't opening. Selphie glanced back at the train, then wiggled the plastic handle. It didn't budge.

"What the heck is wrong with this thing?"

There came a hiss from behind her and she turned around in time to see all the doors closing.

"No!" she cried. "I have to be on that train!"

"Sorry miss," the attendant said. "We have a schedule to keep."

"The train is RIGHT THERE!" she cried. "I still have time to get on! Just open the doors!"

The attendant said something Selphie didn't hear over the rumble of the train's engine. The wheels started to move. The train was leaving.

"Make it stop!" she cried. "I can't miss it!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't open the doors."

The coffee machine dinged. Selphie whipped around and stared at the open door and the steaming mocha on the platform.

"That's what I get for trying to be nice?" she snapped. "Hope you enjoy the coffee!"

She stormed away from the attendant and the empty platform, snatched the coffee from the machine and turned around.

"On second thought, I need this more than you do."

* * *

 _3:33 AM_

 _Balamb Hotel_

* * *

Seifer woke to a shrill ringing and smacked his hand against the nightstand in search of the alarm. His palm hit bare wood and his fingers grasped the base of a lamp and finally came to rest on a telephone.

Which was ringing.

Irritated, he sat up and snatched the phone off its cradle and lifted it to his ear.

"What?"

"Hello sir, this is your wake-up call."

"I didn't ask for a wake-up call," he said. "The hell're you botherin' me for?"

"It was requested by Commander Leonhart, sir. We've been trying to reach you for over an hour. Is everything all right?"

Seifer twisted around and peered at the alarm clock on the other nightstand. The time read 3:34 AM.

"Shit," he muttered. "Yeah. Fine."

He hung up the phone and rubbed his eyes, still somewhat intoxicated from the drinks he'd had at the bar after Squall left. Beyond the balcony, the train whistled.

From the pocket of his peacoat, he dug out his train ticket and cursed again. There was a better than average chance that was his train pulling out of the station.

In a huff, he threw on yesterday's clothes and tossed everything else into his bag. If he ran for it, he might still make it.

Once outside, he knew for sure he'd missed it. In the distance, he could hear the wheels against the rails and the steady whistle fading into the distance.

Dammit.

He didn't promise he'd be on time. He even doubted Laguna would be seriously pissed he'd missed the train either. It wasn't like the man was a model of punctuality himself. Since Seifer had begun picking up contracts for Esthar, he'd witnessed Laguna's tendency to get lost inside the Palace a few times already.

The guy was a soft touch, that was for sure. How freakin' ironic that the only person in the entire world besides Raijin and Fujin to see potential where others saw a total loss was Laguna Loire.

He had every right to want Seifer dead.

Instead, he'd inserted himself into Seifer's life like some wannabe father-figure and took him on as a contractor.

Mostly, he did the things Loire or Esthar's military couldn't be a part of, but every now and then Seifer was entrusted with other easier jobs like this one.

Somehow, Seifer had messed that up.

Maybe it was being back in Balamb, after a four year absence. After all, the last time he set foot in this place, he might have roughed up a few citizens and barged into their homes. He wasn't exactly welcome here.

Or maybe he was just destined to shoot himself in the foot over and over again until everyone he knew gave up on him.

As he approached the train station, Tilmitt came storming down the steps like she was about to commit murder. A box was tucked under one arm and she held a wadded up piece of paper and a cup of coffee in the other. Her bag bounced against her side.

"Where in the H-E double-hockey-sticks have you been?!" she screeched. "I missed the train because of you!"

Seifer adopted a deliberate casual posture and tucked his thumb beneath the strap of his bag.

"I didn't force you to not get on it."

"We were supposed to go together, you idiot!" she shouted. "Now we're going to be late!"

"I wouldn't have waited for you, Tilmitt," Seifer said. "Not my fault you're too nice for your own good."

Selphie's nostrils flared and her eyes narrowed. Seifer unconsciously took a step back. He didn't know her well, but he knew enough about her to back down when she looked like that.

"What are we supposed to do now?" she demanded. "The next train doesn't leave until 6:30."

"What kind of Rank A SeeD can't figure out train schedules?" Seifer asked. "We take the 6:30. Obviously."

"Which will put us in Timber two hours after our charter leaves."

Seifer swayed and wiped a hand down his face. He couldn't handle her screeching and he either needed food or another drink. Preferably both.

"I'm starving," Seifer said. "Why don't we go back to my room, get some breakfast, and figure this out?"

"Oh, right," Selphie said. "Back to your room. For breakfast."

She actually put air quotes around the word breakfast. Seifer snorted and lifted his chin.

"Trust me," Seifer said. "You're not my type."

She kind of was. Small. Brunette. Crazy.

But he wasn't going to mention that.

"And you think you're mine?"

Seifer flexed a bicep, kissed it, and flashed a cocky smile.

"Who doesn't love a pretty face?"

"Keep it up and your face won't be pretty for long."

Seifer sighed. It was way too early for this crap, and frankly, he didn't have the energy or will to debate the state of things with a crazy person. It was too much like arguing with himself.

He turned around and headed back toward the hotel. If he was lucky, they'd be happy to send up some room service. Loire was paying, after all.

* * *

Seifer was actually walking away from her! The nerve! After being late, mouthing off, and insinuating that she found him the least bit attractive, he was just going to sashay away like it was no big deal.

"Where are you going?!" she shrieked.

"I'm getting breakfast," he called over his shoulder. "You can come, or not, don't give a shit either way."

Selphie hesitated. She had a feeling she should just stick around the train station until the next arrived, but he had the combination to the box, so there was no point in her going by herself. Now, if she could get a hold of that combination, she wouldn't even need him.

She dashed down the sidewalk after him, her short legs carrying her over the cobblestones like greased lightning.

"Fine," she said. "I'll have breakfast. But not because I want to or anything."

"I'm not gonna force you to eat."

"Well, I'm not letting you miss the next train."

He shrugged and picked up the pace. Selphie struggled to keep up with his long strides and settled on a slow jog so she wouldn't fall behind.

At the desk inside the hotel, Seifer turned on a kind of charm Selphie had never seen from him before. He smiled boyishly at the clerk, all teeth, and leaned toward her like he was about to share a juicy bit of gossip.

"Would you mind asking the kitchen to send breakfast up for myself and my business partner?" he asked. "I don't want to be any trouble, but we need to get an early start."

Man, that smile. He actually looked like a human being. Not at all like a guy who had ever fired missiles at a bunch of kids or decided to go all megalomaniacal on the entire world.

Selphie decided she hated that smile. The clerk might have bought his oily charm, but all Selphie saw was his ugly, rotten soul.

"You have really nice eyes," he said.

The clerk giggled. Selphie thought she might actually throw up. If she did, she'd make sure to aim for his back.

"I suppose I can get someone to whip something up for you..." the clerk said. "What did you have in mind?"

"Strawberry waffles and chocolate milk for my friend," he said. "I'd like the special, if it's not too much trouble."

"Sausage or bacon?"

"Both would be great."

"Coffee?"

"Please," he said. "And also a double vodka on the rocks, if you don't mind."

"House or Mimmet?"

He flashed an even bigger smile.

"I only drink the good stuff."

"Seifer, I don't think you should be drinking on the job," Selphie said through clenched teeth.

"Make her chocolate milk a Trabian," Seifer said. "She could definitely use something to help her relax."

"It'll be right up," the clerk said. "Should I put it on President Loire's tab?"

"Absolutely," Seifer said. "Thanks a million, sweetie."

And then he winked. Selphie couldn't stop herself from retching out loud.

"Seriously?" she asked.

Seifer grabbed her arm and half dragged her to the stairs. He'd dropped the heart-throb smile and replaced it with a familiar scowl.

"That was so gross!" Selphie stage-whispered. "How do you sleep at night?"

"Pretty well, actually," he said. "How about you, Tilmitt? Bet your nights are full of nice, happy dreams about rainbows and unicorns or some shit."

They weren't. She still had nightmares from time to time, about walking through the ruins of Trabia Garden while everything was still on fire. Zell and Irvine said they had dreams about Time Compression, but for Selphie, that was nothing compared to losing friends or seeing her home reduced to rubble.

"Well, I guess you just know everything, don't you?" she said.

"What the hell does that mean?"

Selphie shut her mouth, before she started screaming at him in the middle of the hall. Four years was not long enough to get over it, and she'd hoped when Squall assigned her as his escort that he might have learned some humility, but he was the same obnoxious jerk he'd been the day she'd met him. Remorse wasn't in his vocabulary.

If he couldn't be professional, it fell on her shoulders to be the grown-up, responsible adult in this situation.

"Let's just focus on our mission, alright?" she said stiffly. "And try to keep personal feelings out of it."

"Nothing's personal unless you make it personal, Tilmitt," he said. "Hard lesson to learn, but it's the truth."

Something about his tone was off, but Selphie couldn't pinpoint what it was. She watched him from the corner of her eye, curious about what had caused him to draw that conclusion. After all, some things were personal, and no amount of pretending it wasn't could change it.

"Life is 30% random acts of bullshit and 70% how you react to it," he said. "Learn it. Love it. Live it."

"Is that how you justify what you did?" she demanded. "By saying it's beyond your control?"

"Nearly everything that happens to us is beyond our control," he said. He swiped his keycard. The green light went from red to green. "No sense in dwelling on things you can't change."

He opened the door, dropped his bag on the floor, and tossed his coat over a chair.

"You can put your stuff wherever. I'm gonna take a leak."

Selphie held on to the box but dropped her bag beside his and took a look around. It was a private room, decorated like the others in that same over-the-top ocean motif and lots of gold trim. There was only one bed, but there was also a plush couch and a small dining table with flowers in a vase.

Seifer stepped into the bathroom but left the door open. Appalled, Selphie turned around and stared at the wallpaper with the box clutched tight to her chest. Whether he did it on purpose or he just wasn't used to having others around, Selphie didn't know, but it was a little shocking.

So shocking, she almost forgot her new, self-assigned mission.

She needed that combination.

With a quick glance back at the slightly open bathroom door, she dropped to the floor and unzipped his bag to feel along the edges for an envelope or a pocket in which said envelope might be hiding. She found nothing but mismatched socks and dirty clothes, a bunch of curatives, a thick book, and a pocket knife.

She moved onto his coat. The front pockets were empty except for a battered pack of gum that had probably been there for months. Seifer didn't strike her as a gum-chewer.

Maybe he had the combination on his person, in which case that would be a problem. Maybe if she hugged him or something, she could filch it out of his back pocket.

She winced at that thought. Hugging Seifer was like asking to be stabbed. She'd probably want to gouge her own eyes out anyway.

Then again, maybe the guy really just needed a hug. Wasn't that what angry people all wanted? Selphie couldn't say for sure, but it sure worked for Zell. Every time he got worked up about something, all it took to bring him out of his fit was a good, firm hug.

A quick pat-down of the coat rendered the question of whether or not to hug Seifer moot. The envelope was there, inside a hidden pocket in the breast of the coat. She snatched it and stuffed it down the front of her dress.

"Booyaka!" she whispered. "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Tilmitt?" Seifer asked.

"Uhhh," she said. "I like your coat?"

Seifer crossed his arms over his chest and smirked.

"You wanna know what's in the box, don't you?"

That hadn't really occurred to her. She was super curious, but she never once thought about opening it before she arrived in the Shumi Village.

"No!" she said. "We're not supposed to open it."

"So?" Seifer asked. "No one will know."

"I'll know!" she cried. "Squall specifically said not to open it."

"You're not curious?" Seifer asked.

Selphie put a hand on her hip and glared.

"You want to steal whatever's in there," she accused.

"Loire pays me well enough that I don't need to steal anything," Seifer said. "I just think we have a right to know what's in there if we're taking it all the way to Trabia. Don't you? Whatever's in there might be dangerous."

He had a point. Sort of.

"Listen," he said. "We'll just open it, see what's inside, and then lock it back up. What do you say?"

"I don't know..."

"Come on. Live a little."

Selphie held the box tighter.

"Fine," Seifer said. "Suit yourself. But I'm going to need that envelope back."

"What envelope?"

"The one you're keeping warm in your bra."

Crap.

She fished it out, but didn't let it go.

Would it hurt anything to open the box, just for a minute? The curiosity was getting to her. Now that he mentioned it, what if there was something terrible inside? Something meant to hurt the Shumi instead of something valuable?

"Okay," she said and set the box on the bed. "We'll take a look."

Seifer's smile was slow and playful, to cover his surprise.

"Do the honors," he said. "Since you're a thieving little thief."

"I am not!"

"The envelope in your hand says otherwise, but you tell yourself whatever you need to keep believing you're a good person."

Selphie scowled, but tore the envelope open with her fingernail and withdrew the sheet of paper. A series of numbers was typed on the page. Nothing else. She punched them into the tiny electric keypad hidden between the hinges in the back.

At first, nothing happened. Then, there was a soft click as the latch released.

Seifer dropped down on the bed beside her, sitting so close his shoulder touched hers and watched as Selphie slowly opened the lid.

Underwhelming was the understatement of the century.

"You gotta be kiddin' me," Seifer said.

Inside the box were four rocks. They didn't look like anything special. Just four plain boring gray rocks, each roughly the size of an egg.

"Maybe they do something," Selphie said.

Seifer picked one up and held it in his palm. Nothing happened. Selphie pushed the remaining three around and chewed her lip. They'd made noise, hadn't they? That funny musical sound.

"They're just rocks," Seifer said and tossed his back in with the others. "This has to be the stupidest mission I've ever been on. Who the hell pays that much cash to deliver rocks to someone?"

"There's got to be more to it," Selphie said, genuinely puzzled. "It's the Shumi, so maybe there's something special about these."

"Yeah, well, the Shumi also think their empty hands are a gift, so whatever."

He got up and kicked off his boots.

"Lock that thing back up," he said. "I'll see if the front desk has plain envelopes."

Selphie ran her fingertips over the rocks one by one. Counted them and turned them over, then picked all four of them up at once.

The strangest sensation came over her, starting in her fingertips and quickly spreading into her arm and torso and down both legs and filled her head with that musical sound she'd heard before. She felt light and fuzzy and warm. The way she imagined taking a bath in potions would feel.

"Tilmitt? You okay?"

Seifer sounded far away. His face looked weird. Unburdened and unlined. Younger somehow.

"I... feel really good," she said. "It's a weird good. But it's... weird."

Seifer was staring at his hands. He turned them over and over again like he'd never seen them before.

"There's something wrong with those rocks," Seifer said. "I swear they're talking to me."

"Maybe they're communicating with the ones inside your skull," Selphie said. She giggled and picked one of the rocks out of the box. "Hey! It's Cousin Bill! Long time no see, dude! How's the cranium treating you?"

Seifer stared at her for a second before he broke into a huge, real smile.

"You're an idiot, Tilmitt."

"Takes one to know one," she said.

She put the rock down. A really strange feeling was building inside her chest. Like she could do anything. Fly if she wanted to. Anything at all. She was invincible. Nothing could stop her.

"Hey Tilmitt," Seifer said, still grinning. "I have the craziest idea."

"Oooh, do tell," she said, game for anything.

He leaned toward her, his smarmy smile oh-so charming and hard to resist. He was awfully pretty. Up close, she noticed a dusting of freckles on his cheeks and flecks of green in his cyan eyes.

"You know how to hot wire a car?"

"I'm a SeeD. What do you think?"

"Then get your ass in gear," he said. "We're going for a ride."


	2. Chapter 2

Seifer didn't understand the inexplicable desire to steal a car, but it was there and impossible to ignore. Sure, he'd thought about it in his youth, in abstract daydreams that drowned out Aki's monotonous voice in beginner level tactics classes. But he'd never really considered it outside of missions and assignments for Esthar when stealing a car might have been appropriate.

This was different. It was purely for kicks because every single bone in his body said he could do whatever he wanted, without consequences.

Tilmitt held all four stones, two in each hand and Seifer had a brief but fleeting thought that nothing good could come of this, that whatever that singing-ringing-whispering sound in his head was, it would only lead to trouble.

They had time to kill before the next train out. What would it hurt to steal a nice car and take it for a little ride? Was it really stealing if they returned it when they were done? Or at least ditched it somewhere where it would be found?

Selphie rubbed the rocks on her face and smiled dreamily.

"These are the coolest rocks ever," she said. "They understand me."

Seifer didn't know what that meant, but he couldn't disagree. He sort of felt the same way, even if sentient rocks were the second dumbest thing he'd ever heard of in his entire life. The first was hearing that Dincht got an absurd face tattoo at sixteen to make himself look intimidating. And Dincht being intimidating in any way, shape, or form was about as likely as lobsters replacing all forms of world government and declaring themselves the lost children of Hyne.

"Are you going to sit there all day fondling rocks or are we gonna go do something?"

"I can do both," she said. "Hey, think we can blow something up? I've always wanted to explode something. Like, make it the biggest fireworks show the world has ever seen! It'll be like a party!"

That... actually that sounded like a good time. Maybe they could blow up whatever car they stole. Stick a rag in the gas tank, light it, and watch it turn into shrapnel.

"We'll see," Seifer said. "Get your ass in gear, Tilmitt. We're leaving."

Selphie hopped up and stuck two rocks in each pocket of her dress. Seifer frowned and held out a hand.

"I don't think so."

Selphie covered the pockets and stepped away from him. Her green eyes turned hard and cold.

"These are mine," she said. "You can't have them!"

Seifer crossed his arms over his chest.

"You really want me to make you, Tilmitt?" Seifer asked. "Because I can."

Selphie darted toward the door, but Seifer caught the back of her dress and held on. She flailed like a cartoon character and screeched, then dropped her weight, slipped to the floor and bit his calf.

Hard.

 _"SONOFA-!"_

Seifer hopped away from her, clutching his leg and cursing. If his pants hadn't gotten in the way, she would have broken the skin. As it was, it would leave a nasty bruise. Not like it was the first time something bit him, but it _was_ the first time since he was a toddler he'd been bitten by another human being.

"What are you, a giant two-year-old?" he demanded. "What kind of grown woman bites someone?"

"The kind that doesn't take crap off a giant, hulking, _too-pretty-for-his-own-good_ idiot!"

Seifer stopped rubbing the injury, which hurt way more than it should, and looked at her. She was still sitting on the floor with her hands curled around the lumps in her pockets.

"Pretty?" he asked, unsure if he was flattered or offended. He'd said it himself, as a joke, and he knew he was attractive, but he didn't expect her to acknowledge that. "So you _do_ love a pretty face."

Selphie's chin jutted out and her eyes narrowed.

"What about it?" she asked coolly. "I also called you a giant, hulking idiot. You don't have a problem with that."

"Eh, I've been called worse."

"What - _ever_ ," Selphie said. She hopped to her feet. "Are we going or what? 'Cause if you're chickening out, then I'll go find something fun to do without you."

She stood up and reached for the doorknob. Seifer's gaze lingered on her bare legs, which were surprisingly long for someone so short.

"Tilmitt," he said. "The rocks."

She turned around and glared.

"Give me two of them," Seifer said. "You keep the other two."

"No. They're _mine_."

"They belong to the Shumi," Seifer said with exaggerated patience and clenched teeth. "Remember?"

"The Shumi can take them back off my cold, dead body!" Selphie cried, her eyes wild. "If these things were so important, they would have come to get them on their own!"

Selphie Tilmitt was coming unhinged over four boring rocks. It didn't make sense, but Seifer's impulse to kill her and take them for himself was now stronger than the impulse to commit grand theft auto. He loomed over her and leaned down until his face was close to hers. Why the stupid things were at all important, Seifer didn't know, but he _needed_ them.

"I could break you in half," he said.

"Oooooooh, I'm so scared," Selphie mocked. "The big scary man is _so_ scary!"

Seifer wrapped a hand around her puny bicep. Not hard, but his warning was clear.

Actually, that arm wasn't so puny. Under his palm, her muscles tightened. It was easy to forget, Selphie was a SeeD, and their daily training was not for the faint of heart.

Her other hand balled up into a fist. Her jaw clenched.

"We're wasting time," Seifer said. "Be fair."

"What do you know about fair?" Selphie asked quietly. "You think it was _fair_ to shoot missiles at Trabia? They didn't do anything to you. It wasn't their fight. And you did it anyway."

Seifer let her arm go and stepped back out of her personal space. Twin flames of anger and remorse twined through his torso and tightened his throat.

"You're right," he said. "But so what?"

"So what?" she cried. "People died because you!"

Seifer turned his back on her, his head ringing with the dissonant music of those stones in her pocket. They seemed to be calling out to him, urging him to take what was his by force. With all four of them, he could live in blissful peace for the rest of his life. No regrets. No bad memories. No nightmares.

"You think you know everything, don't you?" he said.

"They were just kids," Selphie said.

"So were we."

That hung between them for almost a minute. The air in the room turned stifling in spite of the cool ocean breeze wafting in from the balcony doors and Seifer started to sweat under Selphie's smoldering stare. If she was feeling anything remotely like he was feeling, Seifer would bet his gunblade she had an overwhelming urge to, in her own words, _explode_ him.

Unless she was hiding a grenade in her dress, the possibility of her turning him into liquid was slim.

Then again, there was also the possibility that she knew how to create an explosive device out of a can of shaving cream, chewing gum, and a paper clip. So there was that.

Seifer was not a man given to compromise. It was his way or no way, and though what he'd done weighed heavier than he let on, he still liked being alive. If he stuck to his guns, she might just pull the pin and shove that potential hidden grenade down his throat and giggle as his body liquefied before her very eyes.

"I'll make you a deal," he said. "Give me two of them and I'll let you drive."

Selphie's tense posture relaxed. Her eyes lost a little of that maniacal quality.

"Drive what?"

"Seriously?" he asked. "The _car_ , Tilmitt."

"Oh, so we're still stealing something?"

"That was the plan. Unless you have a better one."

"The plan was to go to Trabia," she said, but she smiled. "If we're doing this, it's gotta be something fast. No klunkers or land yachts."

For as sharp as she was, sometimes she could be really dense. What was the point of stealing anything but the best? Seifer bit his tongue and held out a hand.

"Do we have a deal?" he asked.

Selphie fished out two stones and offered them instead of shaking on it.

Seifer snatched them from her and held them to his chest. A strange greedy joy bled into him and a siren song filled his head. He kissed one rock, and then the other before stashing one in each pocket of his peacoat.

That was better. Two was not as good as four, but better than none.

And maybe, if he got the chance, he would trick Tilmitt into giving him the other two, lock her in the trunk of their future stolen vehicle, and go do whatever the hell he felt like doing on his own.

* * *

Selphie was having the best day _ever_. She missed the train, drank some truly awful mocha out of pure spite, and sure, she'd broken the rules of the contract and opened the box, but she'd never felt this good before. It was like the happy, peaceful world she'd envisioned for so long had become a reality. There were no limits and no restrictions on what she could do. Anything and everything was possible.

It was a great feeling. Even better than faking her way through the day, pretending everything was perfect until she believed it was. Sort of like being drunk, without the inevitable depressive crash and subsequent hangover.

She followed Seifer out of the room and into the hall, her fists clutched around the rocks in her pockets to feel the aharmonic pulse they emitted all through her body. It was as if they were talking to her cells and synapses.

At the other end of the hall, a young man pushed a cart with a squeaky wheel their way. On it were two trays, two glasses and flowers in a bud vase.

"Is that our breakfast?" Selphie asked and dashed forward. "I'm so hungry I could eat an entire Grendel by myself."

She intercepted the young man and took possession of the cart.

"We've got it from here," she said. "Thanks a bunch!"

The young man blinked at her, dazed like she'd knocked the sense out of him.

"What's that sound?" he asked.

"None of your beeswax," Selphie said. "Okay, thanks, buhbye now!"

Seifer's low chuckle only encouraged her. She gripped the handle tighter and pushed the cart toward the small service elevator. She jabbed a finger at the button and the doors opened almost instantly.

"Booyaka!" she shouted. "Hop in. We're gonna have a great day. And a great day starts with an awesome breakfast."

She picked up the glass of chocolate milk and whatever kind of alcohol mixture and handed Seifer his own drink.

"Cheers!" she said and upended the thick, cold chocolate milk and drank every last drop. "Wow, that was pretty good! How did you know I liked chocolate milk, anyway?"

"Educated guess," Seifer said and polished off his own drink. "And not wrong, I see."

She lifted the lids on the plates and cast them aside to clap at the pretty presentation. They hit the floor with a clatter and Seifer jumped, assumed a defensive posture and looked around the elevator for a non-existent threat.

"Don't worry," Selphie said. "The big, bad breakfast monster won't get you."

"Shut up," he muttered and leaned over the plates. He took a deep breath. "Too bad we can't take this with us."

"Why can't we?" Selphie asked. "We can dine and dash."

"That's not how a dine and dash works, Tilmitt," he said. "That's when you... You know what? Never mind."

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Selphie pushed the cart into the lobby and stole a glance around the empty room. The clerk looked up, but returned her attention to the computer screen in front of her and began to type furiously.

That was as good an invitation to walk out with the cart as Selphie had ever seen. Hotel sanctioned theft. Which meant, it wasn't really theft.

She pushed the cart right out the front doors and onto the cobblestone sidewalk. The wheels rattled over the surface and made a rhythmic sound that Selphie thought she could dance to, but it wasn't easy to steer over the uneven pathway and Selphie stopped to consider the problem.

"Grab your plate," she said. "We're ditching this thing."

Seifer picked up his plate and looked at it.

"Two strips of bacon is bullshit," he declared. "I mean, look at me. Do I look like a guy who'd be happy with two puny strips of bacon?"

Selphie looked him over and pondered his question. She hadn't given any thought to Seifer's dietary needs, nor did she care to. But the answer was no. He did not look like a guy who'd be satisfied with just a taste of anything, be it bacon, liquor, or any of life's other indulgences.

They were alike in that respect. Selphie could never just eat two gummi worms out of the package. She ate the whole package. And if there was a pot of coffee, she was not satisfied with a single cup. Even if she didn't really need it.

As far as how Seifer looked, well, that was a subject Selphie didn't want to think about either. It wasn't fair that a guy so ugly on the inside was such a stunner on the outside.

"At least there's sausage, too," Selphie said. "That's good, right?"

Seifer poked at a pathetic excuse for a sausage patty. It wasn't much bigger than a single Gil coin and was sort of grayish and dry looking.

"God, what a tease," he complained and picked up the sausage with two fingers. "I should go back in there and tell them where they can shove their two strips of bacon and whatever the hell this is."

He flung the sausage patty into the street where it skipped a few times across the cobblestones until it finally came to a rest on the opposite side of the road. A cat darted from the bushes, sniffed it, and turned around without taking it.

Seifer stuck a piece of the offensive bacon his mouth and reached for Selphie's plate of waffles. She hovered over it protectively and prepared herself to defend the sweet strawberries and the clouds of whipped cream with her very life.

" _Mine_."

He dragged a finger through the whipped cream and Selphie latched onto his wrist. She dug in her fingernails and growled under her breath. He only grinned back.

The _nerve_. To defile her delicious breakfast with his disgusting fingers. Who did that anyway? What kind of soulless monster stuck their hands in other people's food? He probably didn't even wash his hands after he went to the bathroom!

Great. Now he'd ruined her meal.

 _Pay him back, Selphie,_ the stones said. _Avenge the waffles._

Selphie stilled and watched Seifer's smile grow into a broad, toothy grin, not unlike the one he'd flashed at the clerk. She hated his pretty face. She hated it a lot.

She picked up the waffle.

And smashed it right into the side of Seifer's head. Whipped cream and strawberries slid down his cheek and chin. His nostril and ear filled with the mixture. His eyes filled with murder.

But _oh_ was it satisfying. So, _so_ satisfying. If she couldn't blow him to smithereens and she couldn't leave him behind and she couldn't hide the body somewhere he would never, ever be found, aggravated assault with a strawberry waffle was the next best thing.

"Why..." he began, "would you do that?"

"You stuck your fingers in my breakfast and you blew up Trabia," she shrieked, "and you pee with the bathroom door open and you don't even wash your nasty hands and I really, really, really hate your stupid, pretty, good-looking hot face!"

Seifer wiped strawberries and whipped cream out of his eyes, licked it from his upper lip, and smiled. There it was again! That smile. The one that said, _I'm really not a bad guy. Look how handsome I am. You'll forgive me because I'm hot._

"Feel better now?" he asked.

"Yes!" she cried. "I feel a whole lot better!"

She really did. She felt so good, a giggle bubbled up inside her chest and a second later, it came out as hysterical laughter at the sight of the ridiculously handsome lapdog covered in blobs of waffle toppings.

"You done?" he asked.

"No," she said, and snatched the remaining bite of bacon and ate it.

She chewed and swallowed and relished the look of betrayal on Seifer's face. That, too, was satisfying. And the bacon wasn't half bad either.

"Okay," she said. "Now I'm done. Let's go find us a new ride."

* * *

The car was perfect. Seifer wasn't terribly knowledgeable on all the specific makes and models of popular vehicles, but he could tell the good ones from the Plain Janes. This one was flashy and probably expensive.

It was a convertible, painted mustard yellow with fat tires and chromed-out almost to the point of overkill, and just perfect for his purposes. Whoever owned it obviously had more money than sense.

He circled it and took note of the license plate.

 **H0T DAW6**

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

"Work your magic, Tilmitt," Seifer said and wiped at his ear with a napkin pilfered from the food cart. It still felt like there was whipped cream in his ear canal. "Damnit..."

"Don't need to," Selphie said. "Zell always leaves a spare."

She opened the driver's side door and flipped the visor down. A set of keys fell into the seat. She picked them up and dangled them in front of him. They jangled together and the stones changed their pitch to match the disharmony coming from the stones.

"Is Dincht really that stupid?" Seifer wondered.

"This is Balamb," Selphie scoffed. "People don't steal things here."

"Assuming people don't steal is just inviting them to rob you blind."

"We're not stealing, we're borrowing. Anyway, Zell's on some mission in Winhill. He won't even know it was gone."

Seifer ran a hand through his stiff, sticky hair and kicked the front tire.

"I don't care if Dincht knows or not," Seifer said. "Besides, he should know better than to leave the keys to a car like this _in_ the car."

"So where are we going?" she asked as she slipped into the driver's seat.

"I don't know. Just... go somewhere. Fast."

The car started with a roar. The engine went _blub-blub-blub_ and Selphie revved it, bouncing in her seat.

Seifer hit a button on the dash. The top lifted away and folded back into a hidden compartment above the trunk, leaving open sky and the sea breeze on her face.

Selphie stepped on the gas and the tires squealed and fishtailed as she made an illegal u-turn and sped toward town limits. She hooted as the speedometer hit 50 and the car bounced over the uneven road.

Outside of town, she opened it up and mashed the gas pedal to the floor. There was no one on the road, so she drove down the middle, one tire on each side of the dotted line, living dangerously, breaking stupid laws, and swerved back and forth just to hear the tires scream.

She loved the wind in her hair and the recklessness of doing whatever she felt like. A lot of people assumed Selphie did that anyway, but if they knew how many things she wanted to say and do and didn't on a daily basis, they'd be shocked. From wanting to punch the lunch lady for watering down her coffee to considering eating candy every meal, to wishing to arrange Xu's kidnapping and subsequent disappearance for holding out on Garden's activities budget, there were dozens of things she desperately wished she could get away with.

Today, though, she could get away with anything! The rocks told her so. She could blow something up. Hogtie and drown Seifer in Garden's fountain, decorate the entire building in purple glitter, strategically place confetti canons in the main corridor and schedule them to go off at random intervals. She could burn Squall's ever-present leather jacket because he never took it off and she wanted to see him in something else. She could even ordain that pets were not only allowed in dorm rooms, but part of the curriculum, and command the administration to make the female SeeD uniform's skirt an inch shorter.

Because she could!

It was so liberating to feel like the world was hers, and not the other way around. Life could actually be an endless party that went on and on and on forever.

"Faster, Tilmitt," Seifer yelled over the roar of the engine.

"It doesn't go any faster," she yelled back. "Anyway, new plan! We're going to Garden!"

"Are you nuts?"

"Oh come on," she said. "Isn't there anything you want to do that you never did? Something totally crazy?"

"That list is longer than you can fathom," Seifer said.

"I doubt that," she said and flashed a cheeky grin. "What's the craziest thing on your list?"

"You a fan of arson?" he asked.

"No, Seifer," she said, "I _hate_ it when things burn or explode. Can't _stand_ it."

"Cute," he said. "I had no idea you even grasped the concept of sarcasm."

"You're not the first to underestimate me," she said. Then she had an idea. "Hey! You ever go hood surfing?"

Seifer shifted in his seat and turned toward her.

"I'm listening."

"Well, it's when you climb onto the hood of a moving car and try to stay standing while the driver goes really, really fast," she said. "If you fall off, you lose."

Seifer was skeptical.

"Seriously, it's a lot of fun," Selphie said. "As long as you keep your balance you're gold."

"You really hate me that much?" he asked.

"Of course I hate you," she said. "But what's that got to do with this?"

"Oh, I don't know," Seifer said. "Maybe the part where you slam on the brakes and I go splat on the pavement."

Selphie smiled at that mental image, which also included running him over for good measure then backing up, just to make sure he was dead.

"Yeah," Seifer said. "That's what I thought."

"It was worth a shot," she said.

"You know, you're a lot less nice than you think you are."

Selphie cut her eyes at him.

"I'm nice!"

"If you say so."

"I am! I'm the nicest person I know."

"Uh-huh."

"Take it back!"

"So far you've bitten me, smashed your breakfast in my face, tried to steal from me, and openly plotted my death," he said. "Not to mention all the name calling."

Selphie gritted her teeth and slammed on the brakes. Seifer braced himself against the dashboard to keep himself from flying into it, but the seat belt stopped him before he smashed that perfect face against the hard plastic anyway.

She turned toward him as the car came to a halt.

"I'd be doing a lot of people a favor," she said. "No one would care if I killed you! They'd probably throw me a party and give me a medal!"

Seifer's face went blank and his body went still.

"You're probably right," he said after a beat. "But at least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not."

 _"I'M NICE!"_ she roared.

"Life's a lot easier when you don't fake your way through it," he said. "I'm an asshole. I've embraced that. And I don't give a chocobo's ass what anyone thinks of me. You, you're just acting like the nice girl so everyone likes you, but deep down you're a pathetic mess, Tilmitt, and you're trying too hard. You _reek_ of desperation."

Selphie rose up on one knee, heedless of the fact that the car was still in drive and lifted a hand.

"You want arson?" she growled. "I'll show you arson!"

She patterned that hand in the air and cast Firaga before he could stop her. Flames swirled around them like a fire tornado and the temperature rose about a hundred degrees in seconds, but Selphie was almost unaffected by it. She was junctioned and protected against elemental attacks, no matter how powerful.

The upholstery caught fire and the carpet began to melt. Something inside the running engine went bang and the magic fire became real fire as the car accelerated toward a ditch on its own.

"Uh-oh," she said.

The gas tank was almost full. The car was on fire. It didn't take a genius, even one slightly intoxicated on weird rock magic, to figure that out.

"Seifer, get out," she urged as she threw the driver's side door open and scrambled away from the blaze. "It's gonna blow up!"

Seifer lumbered out of the car behind her, his whole body aflame and sprinted toward her like a man-shaped bonfire. He grabbed her arm and half dragged her across the road into the opposite ditch and dropped his weight on top of her just as a concussive blast split apart the silence of the peaceful morning.

She wrestled free of his protection and popped her head up in time to watch a flaming bumper go flying a few feet above their heads. A second blast rocked the ground beneath them and tore the back end of the car apart. Bits of it flew in her general direction and she ducked her head under Seifer's arm to avoid getting impaled.

Selphie felt the explosion everywhere. In the ground beneath her, in Seifer's body above her, even in the roots of her teeth and her hair follicles and in her brain cells and nerve endings.

"Wooohooooo!" she shrieked. "Seifer, getoffme!"

Still smoldering, Seifer sat up and allowed Selphie to climb up over the rim of the ditch to stare at the carcass of Zell's flaming car. Black smoke billowed from the wreckage as tongues of fire flickered and curled around the edges of the crumpled hood. There wasn't much left of the back end, and the pavement below the car was on fire too, either burning up the tar in the asphalt or consuming the remainder of the gas.

"Yes!" she cried. "Kablooey! That was seriously awesome!"

"Yeah," Seifer said. He dusted ash and soot off his jacket. "Awesome."

Selphie did the same and looked Seifer over. He should have been way worse off than he was. Firaga was no joke, and she was pretty confident he wasn't junctioned to a GF, and therefore not equipped with elemental resistance.

"Are you immune to fire or something?" Selphie asked.

"Something," he said. "Guess you don't remember."

"Remember what?"

"You and me setting fires back at the orphanage," he said.

"We did?"

"I set them, you made them bigger," he said. "Almost burned the house down once."

Selphie didn't remember that at all, but it was less of a surprise than it should have been.

"How?" she asked.

"You threw a lit roll of toilet paper into the bathtub instead of in the toilet," he said.

Oh.

She remembered now. How much fun it was, how that compact roll of paper went up faster than a pile of matchsticks. They'd danced around it like a couple of heathens until the smoke detector went off. By then, she shower curtain was melting and emitting a noxious black smoke. But she also remembered Seifer getting trapped in there with the blaze, and how he'd come out of it without even a mild burn.

"I lit the fire that time, right?"

"Yep."

"Sucks that I forgot so much," she said. "That was pretty fun, actually. You weren't such a jerk back then."

He smiled a little.

"I couldn't sit down for a week after Matron was done with me," Seifer said.

"If I started the fire, then why did she spank you?"

"Who would believe innocent little Selphie would ever do such a thing?"

"Oh," she said. "Sorry."

"Wasn't the first time," Seifer said. "Besides, I was bigger than you, used to having my ass beat, and I didn't like the idea of seeing you cry. Sucks when girls cry."

Selphie was unexpectedly moved by that. Because he actually meant it. It was kind of sweet, and for as hard as his outer shell, it fell in line with his boyhood dream of being someone's hero. Back then, maybe he'd been her hero for encouraging her pyromania and taking her punishment for her without shedding so much as a tear.

"Don't really give a damn now, though," he said and smirked. "Can't wait to see Dincht flip out on you for doing that to his car."

"Like you weren't the one who wanted to steal it?" She put her hands on her hips. "You are just as much to blame as me, and he hates you a lot more than me."

"You're the one who stole it and set it on fire, Tilmitt," he said. "I was just along for the ride."

He turned toward Garden and started walking. Selphie sprinted to catch up.

"Borrowed!" she shouted. "It was _borrowed_! And the whole stupid thing was your idea!"

"I didn't force you to do anything," he said. "You should really stop blaming other people for your screw ups."

Selphie opened up her mouth and choked down a screech. Her heart started to pound and a giddy lightness filled her soul to the brim.

There were stones in her pocket that said she could do anything. She was invincible and immune to consequences. Nothing bad could happen to her today. Not even having to spend the morning with her arch nemesis or blowing up Zell's car on accident could bring her down.

"I can do anything I want," she said to herself and followed Seifer along the shoulder of the road. "Anything at all."

If she had anything to say about it, Seifer Almasy would be a dead man by sundown.


	3. Chapter 3

Notes:

I'm seriously running out of time to finish this before the deadline but hopefully, I'll have the fourth and final chapter up in a day or two. I'd planned to post one a week, but things got busy at work, and that comes first. Fanfic is fun and I'd prefer writing over 10 hour workdays but (sadly) it doesn't pay the bills. (And I'm behind on everyone's updates - I haven't forgotten!)

Now onto your irrregularly scheduled dose of ridiculous crack

* * *

Selphie skipped along beside Seifer, singing some asinine tune about a train over and over in a high, clear, and too-perky voice. In his pockets, the stones sang along with her in soft, dissonant tones and thrummed in time with his steps.

A mile and a half behind them, black smoke still billowed from the burning car. A mile ahead, the lights of Garden blazed against the pre-dawn sky, inducing both nostalgia and bitterness in Seifer's soul. The majority of his formative years were spent inside those walls. Some of his best days were lived in the dorms. Yet ferocious rage burned through him at the very sight of the structure.

They'd wanted a school of Squall Leonharts – young, obedient soldiers who would pick up a weapon and fight any battle without question because they were told to. Soldiers who wouldn't talk back or question orders. Soldiers who didn't care if they lived or died.

They attempted to train all the fire out of him and then had the nerve to be surprised when he turned feral? What had they expected?

The closer they came to his former home, the more conflicted he was. Circumstances brought him to Garden, but he never truly belonged there. He was not built to follow orders. He was built for command.

How long had it been since he'd last set foot in the place?

Four, almost five years since his hearing in Esthar. He wondered if anything had changed. Maybe they'd learned a lesson with him. Or maybe, they saw him as a cautionary tale, an anomaly that didn't fit the mold, no matter how they'd tried to force him into it.

No sense in thinking about all that. It didn't really matter anymore. What mattered was that Tilmitt had the other half of the prize in her pockets and he needed to get them back. He didn't care about Garden or her plans there. His end goal was those damned rocks.

Headlights crested the hill half a mile ahead and Seifer checked his watch. It was going on five. Too early for anyone to be leaving for anything but a mission.

Or to investigate the burning car.

"Tilmitt, let's get off the road," Seifer said. "I'd rather not have to answer questions."

"Okie-dokie," she sing-songed. "It'll probably be faster to cut across the field anyway."

She darted ahead of him, into the weeds and brambles as the vehicle drew nearer. Seifer caught up in a few extra long steps, took her by the arm, and pulled her down behind a tangle of kudzu to avoid being spotted. In silence, they watched the official Garden vehicle blaze past, two people in the cab, and one looked suspiciously like Xu.

"Where are they going this early?" Selphie wondered.

"You really gotta ask?"

"Oh, right," she said and added a giggle. "Guess they probably heard it go boom."

Selphie sat back on her heels and followed the progress of the vehicle until the tail lights disappeared around the bend.

"What the hell are we doing, Tilmitt?" Seifer wondered. "This isn't my idea of a good time."

"Yeah, well, your idea of a good time is kinda messed up," she said.

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Oh, I don't know, blowing up schools and torturing people seem to be your thing, so..."

Seifer stood and started walking. He didn't want to get into it with her. She wouldn't understand and Seifer wasn't going to waste his breath.

"Don't walk away from me!" Selphie shouted.

Seifer stopped and turned around.

"Don't ever bring that shit up again."

He turned his back on her and resumed his ill-advised trek through the field. Behind him, Selphie thrashed through the brambles, her boots crunching over dried grass and sticks. If anyone was out here searching for the perpetrators or victims of the explosion, she was going to give away their location just by existing.

"Could you be any louder?" he snarled.

"Could you be any more of a jerk?"

"Absolutely," he said. "Have you met me?"

She caught up to him and pressed a hand against the middle of his back. Seifer jumped and then squirmed away when her arms slid around his waist to hug him from behind.

"Quit it."

Undeterred, Selphie came at him, her arms held out like the tentacles of a determined and hungry Malboro. Her eyes shimmered with tears and her bottom lip jutted out. It was just Selphie being her usual manic self, but it still bothered him.

"Aww, geez," he complained. "Quit."

"I just wanna hug you," she said. "You're awful, but I bet no one's hugged you in a long, long time, and that makes me sad."

Seifer couldn't even remember who had been the last, or how long ago it was, but that didn't mean he needed or wanted a hug. He was a grown man, not a kid.

Selphie's tears spilled over and her mouth shook as she came closer. Seifer stepped back, but she kept coming.

"Tilmitt, I _don't_ need a hug."

"Okay, but _I_ do!" she bawled.

Selphie Tilmitt, high on singing Shumi rocks, apparently decided boundaries were for losers. She latched on and hugged so tight, his spine cracked. The only way to get through this without violence was to give her what she wanted.

Seifer allowed the hug without returning the embrace, but Selphie didn't seem to notice. She sniffled and clung to him with one arm and pressed her face into his chest. He was reminded of a four-year-old Selphie doing the same because Quistis tattled when Selphie stole a pair of kitchen knives and spoiled her game of war.

"I don't even know why the hell you're crying, Tilmitt," Seifer said and patted her awkwardly on the back. "We don't have time for this."

It was the best he could do, but Selphie relaxed against him and squeezed harder. Seifer had to admit, it was kind of nice, even if she was about to break three of his ribs.

Something slithered against his side and he glanced down in time to see her free hand slip into the pocket of his coat.

This conniving little wench had played him like a hand of Triple Triad. And he fell for it.

He almost respected her for it. Almost.

He seized her wrist and wrenched away from her con of an embrace to stare down at her tear-stained face and sad eyes. She yanked free of his grip and crossed her arms over her chest. The tears stopped and her pout turned into a scowl.

"Nice try," he said. "I almost believed you."

"You didn't even hug me back," she pouted.

Seifer scoffed and mirrored her posture.

"You just wanted to steal my rocks," he said.

"I wanted a hug!"

Fresh tears trickled down her face and she gave him that wounded animal look, like he'd kicked her without provocation. This time, he was unmoved by her tears.

"You wanted the rocks, Tilmitt," he said. "Save your breath. I know a con when I see one. And you can shut off the waterworks while you're at it."

"Ooooh, big words!" she said and wiggled her fingers in the air. "I'm so intimidated!"

Seifer wasn't sure if that was a jab at his vocabulary or not, or if she'd been saving that line up for something and just randomly spit it out. Hard to tell with her. Who knew if she'd even heard what he'd said? Maybe there were two different conversations happening here – the one that was actually happening and the one going on inside Tilmitt's head.

"Hyne," he muttered. "This is ridiculous."

" _You're_ ridiculous!"

"Well that's a cactuar calling the grass green," Seifer said. " I mean, far be it from me to actually be the responsible one, but what the hell are we doing here? We have a train to catch."

Selphie straightened and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She smiled hugely and put her hands on her hips.

Hyne, he was going to get whiplash from her constant reversals and switches in mood.

"I have a plan."

"Dare I ask?"

Her smile broadened and turned maniacal.

"Give me one of the stones and I'll tell you."

"Hell no."

"Then I can't tell you."

"I'm not going along with this if you're not going to tell me what you're up to."

"No one said you had to," she said. "I can do this with or without your help."

That wasn't ominous or anything. Still, he was compelled to play along, if only because she held one half of the prize and she was unpredictable. He suspected underestimating her would be a mistake, maybe even fatal, and Seifer liked being alive.

Reluctantly, he followed her through the field. Whatever she had planned, he'd go along with it.

For now.

* * *

Selphie pondered what to do first as the sky to the east began to brighten. She stood in the shadows near Garden's front gate with Seifer shuffling impatiently behind her.

The first order of business was to get inside without being detected, and she had two options. Breeze through the front gate like she owned the place and hope the overnight guard at the entrance to the lobby was weary from a long and boring shift and would barely notice them. Or cause a minor distraction and slip past him without detection.

It was important to stay hidden until all the pieces of her plan fell into place. There were cameras on the entrance and more in the lobby. Even at this hour, they were monitored.

A small fire might do the trick. It would draw security's attention away from the cameras long enough that they could get inside without being seen.

The stones seemed to approve of this plan. They hummed a little louder in her pockets, and she wrapped her hands around them to feel the pleasant vibration in her palms.

"Hey Seifer," she whispered. "See that bed of plants over there with the tree in the middle? The one with all the dead leaves around it?"

"What about it?"

"Burn it."

His eyes slid sideways and he regarded her the way most people regarded a cockroach on their dinner plate.

"Why?"

"Because I said so, that's why!" she cried, then clamped both of her hands over her mouth and ducked deeper into the shrubs. "It's part of the plan, okay? Just a little distraction so we can get inside."

Seifer shrugged and cast a fire spell on the tree. It went up like dry paper and caught the ring of leaves at its base ablaze. Acrid white smoke rose from the branches.

It was so pretty, Selphie wanted to clap and dance, but she restrained herself and grabbed Seifer by the arm as the attendant in the booth came out to investigate. She dragged him not so gently through the shrubs until the attendant's back was to them.

"On three, keep your head down and stay close, okay?"

"You gonna tell me what we're doing here?"

"It's a surprise," she said. "Ready? One... Two... GO!"

She was off like greased lighting, careful to keep her face out of the view of the camera, and hopped the unnecessary gates to allow students and faculty in and out. They reminded her of the things you had to go through at amusement parks to board roller coaster trains. Here, they didn't work without ID, but Selphie didn't want the system to register that she'd checked in. Xu would probably get an alert and then the fun would be over.

Seifer hopped the gate behind her.

"Hey! What do you think you two are doing?"

Selphie didn't hesitate. She cast a stop spell on the attendant, who froze in place with wide eyes and a sneer, then she dragged Seifer by the collar of his jacket toward the emergency stairs just to the left of the entrance.

Well, that was easy. Maybe the stones were good luck, too.

"Okay, first things first," she said. "We need better clothes."

"Screw you, I look awesome."

Selphie rolled her eyes.

"This is a covert mission, Almasy," she said. "We need to blend."

"Blend into what?" Seifer wondered.

"Come on!" she said and pulled him up the stairs. "There's a wardrobe on the second floor. And we need glitter and stuff from the preschool."

"We don't need glitter."

Selphie stopped and glared.

"We _need_ glitter," she said through clenched teeth.

Seifer held up his hands.

A sign of surrender. An acknowledgment that she was in charge. Good.

Selphie had only been to the Wardrobe a few times, to collect her SeeD uniform and various mission pertinent items, but she'd seen all the cool stuff they had in there, from faculty uniforms to tactical clothing to ball gowns and disguises. It wasn't strictly necessary to wear a disguise, but it would add to the fun. After all, this was a hostile take-over. She might as well look smashing.

There was no one in the hall when they arrived, so Selphie boldly strode down the corridor with Seifer trailing behind her.

The door to the wardrobe was locked, but it wasn't the kind of lock they used on secure rooms in the building, and would be easily picked with a little moxie and an ID card. She slipped the card into the jamb and wiggled it until the latch released.

And they were in!

"Booyaka!" she whispered.

She chanced turning on the light, sure that no one would come down this hallway for at least another hour, by which time she and Seifer would be in the wind. The room lit up before her and revealed rack after rack of pure splendor in the form of apparel. On one side were official Garden uniforms of all types. On the other were dozens upon dozens of ball gowns and suits, jeans and sweaters, black leather pants and jackets, and even a shelf full of purses and costume jewelry.

"You go put on one of those faculty robes," she said. "I guess I can be a cadet for now."

Seifer laughed. "Oh, the irony."

Selphie didn't get it and she pretended not to hear as she poked through the shelf of costume jewelry. Among the assorted items, she found a sparkly tiara and placed it on her head, then turned her attention to the ball gowns. She picked through the rack until she happened upon a bubble gum pink dress with a ton of frills and sequins. She snatched it off the hanger and held it against her body, grinning from ear to ear.

"I think it's my size!" she cried.

"I thought the point was to blend in."

"Change of plan," she said. "I am so wearing this when we storm Squall's office and make our demands."

Seifer dropped his face into his hand and shook his head. He muttered something Selphie didn't hear.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," he said. Then he got that mulish look that Selphie already knew was bad news. "I'm not going along with whatever you had planned, Tilmitt. I don't even know why I followed you here."

Selphie put her hands on her hips.

"Yes, you will."

"You think so?" he asked.

"I know so."

"And how the hell do you know that?"

"Because you're planning to steal my rocks, and you're not going to let me out of your sight until you have them," she said.

Seifer stared. He blinked. He shook his head.

"The hell..."

"It's the same thing I'm planning," she said matter-of-fact. "So you might as well follow my lead, or you'll never even get the chance."

"You have the devil inside you, Tilmitt."

"I do not!"

"If you say so," he said distantly and wandered over to the faculty uniforms. "Why do I have to wear the faculty robe? Why can't you wear it?"

"Because I'm too short and someone would notice," she said. "Believe me, they would. Happened back at the missile base before I blew it to smithereens."

Seifer watched her over a rack of tactical pants.

"Why am I not surprised you're the one responsible for that?"

Selphie smiled and ran her fingers over the yards of pink material.

"I wish I could have seen it blow up," she said wistfully. "It sounded awesome."

Seifer watched her carefully. He opened his mouth to say something, but a noise out in the hall distracted them both.

Footsteps and the crackle of a radio.

Intruders.

He cursed softly, then grabbed Selphie around the waist and dragged her behind a rack of uniform pants and down into his lap, just as a key slipped into the lock and the door opened.

"Hello?" a man called. "Anybody in here?"

Seifer covered Selphie's mouth with his hand, as if she wouldn't be able to resist calling back. She was tempted to elbow him in the gut, but he might make noise, and Selphie wanted to keep the collateral damage to a minimum.

She could feel Seifer's breath on her neck. A weird, warm, tingly feeling spread through her limbs and the stones started to sing even louder than before.

Selphie found their music _very_ relaxing, even as she watched the security guard's boots draw closer to their hiding place.

It was nice. Seifer was actually almost hugging her, his grip strong and his body solid at her back. Fluttery butterflies filled her stomach and her heart started to pound. It was sort of like the way she felt just before a battle, but better. She'd bet anything except the stones in her pocket that Seifer gave great hugs when he wanted to.

 _Bet he's a great kisser, too._

She sat up at that thought. Where the heck had that come from? He was awful and mean and his soul was rotten. Nothing about that was attractive to her.

But he was hot. In a beefcake, male model sort of way. He had great bone structure, too. He'd probably make beautiful, evil babies someday.

His good looks didn't make up for how terrible a person he was. So terrible, Selphie wondered if he actually was a person and not some skilled mimic able to turn something hideous into something beautiful. Yet, she suspected there was more to him, stuff he was hiding behind a wall of nastiness, and she was deeply curious about whether or not he was more of a soft touch than he seemed.

Then again, this wasn't a romantic comedy, and Selphie personally hated the stories where the girl fell for the bad boy with no actual redeeming qualities, got hurt, and still forgave him, even though he was a jerkface who didn't deserve her. Even though maybe, sometimes, her own life wasn't so different.

Irvine flirted with other girls, right in front of her. Maybe to get her attention, maybe because he couldn't help himself, but either way, it hurt her feelings. He would just shrug and smile and Selphie would pout, but in the end, she always forgave him.

Maybe Seifer deserved her forgiveness. Even though his pretty jerk face wouldn't appreciate it, maybe it was time to let go. Hating him wouldn't bring back the friends she'd lost or erase the scars left behind on the ones that survived. All that did was keep her from moving on and grieving properly because it was easier to hate him than it was to say goodbye.

In her pocket, the stones seemed to be communicating with the ones in Seifer's pockets. Like a call and response, her stones sang, and his answered with increasing volume and intensity.

Seifer noticed too and tapped his fingers against her forearm along with the rhythm of their strange song. His arms relaxed and his breathing slowed.

When he looked at her, his pupils were so dilated, there was almost none of the lovely ocean blue hue left except around the outer edge of his irises.

Well, that was creepy. Selphie wondered if her eyes were doing that too, but she couldn't ask.

The guard continued his search of the room while Selphie sat perfectly still and tried to keep her breathing quiet and even. Seifer's hand fell away from her mouth and curled around her shoulders, his cheek next to hers as he watched the guard's progress.

"Wardrobe looks clear, but there's a weird noise in here," the guard said into his radio. He picked up the pink dress from where she'd dropped it when Seifer grabbed her. "And clothes on the floor."

The radio crackled and Squall's voice responded. Garbled at first, then clear.

 _"Define weird."_

"I dunno," the guard said. "Kind of... musical? Like wind chimes or something."

"We should get out of here," Seifer whispered, his lips pressed close to her ear so that only she could hear. "Next time he turns his back, make a break for it."

Selphie thought they should stay put, but then the stones started to hum, and the sound filled her with a powerful sense of joy. The handful of butterflies in her tummy multiplied into a million and began to travel up into her chest.

Seifer's palm slid over hers, massive in comparison to her tiny hand, and she wondered if he wanted to hold it.

"You hear me?" Seifer asked.

Selphie heard him, but her eyes were on the approaching boots. She tensed and switched back into mission mode. The stones continued to hum and sing and vibrate in their respective pockets.

The guard parted the clothes on the rack and Selphie sprang to her feet in an instant, then launched herself at the much taller SeeD that she recognized.

"Hi Nida!" she chirped. "What's up?"

"Uhhh... Selphie?"

He reached for his radio. Selphie smacked it from his hand. It hit the floor and slid under a rack of clothes, crackled, hissed, and then fell silent.

"What'cha up to?" she asked. Behind her, Seifer peeled himself up off the floor. "Sorry about the radio. You surprised me!"

"What are you doing here?" Nida asked. His pupils were as big as Seifer's, the brown of his irises almost indistinguishable from the bottomless black. "What's that sound?"

He wanted to steal her stones. He was going to try and take them from her! No way could Selphie let that happen.

"...sorry about this," she said, and smashed her elbow right into his face.

Nida went to his knees with a cry and she motioned to Seifer to check the hall while she handled the hostage.

"I can't let you take them," she said as she knelt down beside him."You understand, right? It's nothing personal."

"Whad are you togging aboud?" Nida asked.

"Hands behind your back," she said and reached for a necktie from the rack beside her. "This'll be painless if you cooperate."

"Painless?" Nida asked. "You broke by dose."

"It's not broken," Selphie said and rolled her eyes. "You're not even bleeding."

"Coast is clear," Seifer said. "Put him out, fast, so he doesn't talk."

"Whad?" Nida asked.

His eyes were watery and there was an ugly welt between them that was already turning purple. Selphie felt a little bad. She liked Nida, as boring as he was, but he was going to take the stones for himself and turn her in.

"You got Sleep?" Seifer asked as he crouched beside her.

"Of course."

Nida rose to one knee and headbutted Seifer so hard, Seifer went sprawling onto his backside, his legs splayed out like a child as he clutched his face. Blood poured from between his fingers.

"That wasn't very nice!" Selphie scolded.

She lifted her fist and took a swing. It connected with Nida's ear and he screeched in pain.

"Whad da heck!" he cried. "Dat _hurd_! Why are you hidding be?!"

"It was _supposed_ to hurt," Selphie said. She grabbed a purse from the rack and smacked him over the head with it. "Are you going to follow directions or am I going to have to introduce you to my favorite grenade?"

Nida sniffled and wiped his eyes.

"You have a favorite grenade?"

She didn't. Not really. So long as they exploded the way they were supposed to, they were all her favorites.

"Yes, I do," she said. "And I have no problem pulling the pin and shoving it down your face hole! Now put your arms behind your back!"

Nida blinked at her, then slowly brought his hands around behind himself. Selphie wrapped purple silk around his wrists once, twice, three times, and then tied a knot so tight, he would probably lose circulation in his fingers. She was sorry for that, but she couldn't chance him getting free in time to warn Squall and the others.

"Why are you doing this?" Nida asked.

"You know why!" she hissed. "And shut up! This isn't a discussion."

Seifer lifted his hand from his bleeding mouth and grinned. Selphie shuddered at the horrific sight, but even with his teeth and face stained and smeared with blood, he was still disgustingly hot.

"I'm impressed, Tilmitt," he said. "Didn't think you had that in you."

"Watch it, or you're next," she said.

"That was a compliment," he said. "Don't get all pissy about it."

"Oh. Thanks," she said, unreasonably flattered. "I guess."

"Guys?" Nida said. "What's going on?"

"None of your business," Selphie said. She returned her attention to him. They were wasting valuable time. "Just be very quiet and you won't get hurt."

"My hands are numb."

"Just put him under," Seifer said. He pushed to his feet. "I'm going to change."

"You're going to go to sleep now," Selphie said to Nida. "Just have a nice rest, okay?"

"Wait – I" Nida began. "You're very pretty. I never noticed that before."

Selphie narrowed her eyes and looked him over, not sure if he was stalling, or if his sincerity was real.

Nida himself wasn't unattractive, but he wasn't exactly attractive either. But he was a steady guy, the kind that was always there when needed, and almost always happy to follow orders. He didn't really stand out, but he didn't really need to. And a guy like him would never flirt with other girls right in front of her. That in itself was also... kinda hot, in a sweet kind of way.

He was also the kind of guy who would let her lead him around and do whatever she wanted, when she wanted. Overeager to please could be just as much of a turn off as being an ugly person on the inside, but it was also an intriguing thought.

"I'm really sorry about this, Nida," she said. "But it's for the best."

She cast Sleep on him and waited for the magic to take effect. His eyes grew heavy and his lids slid shut and within a minute, he was breathing deep and slow, his face slack and his body relaxed against the floor.

"Sweet dreams," Selphie said.

She turned to Seifer, who was already half naked and looked like he planned to be completely naked very soon, with no regard for the fact that she was standing right _there_ with eyes that could see every inch of uncovered flesh.

Selphie grabbed the pink dress off the floor, covered her face with it and gave a little squeak, but second later, peeked around the edge of the fabric as Seifer unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down over his hips.

It really wasn't fair that he was built like that. He had the shoulders and torso of a professional swimmer, toned and lean in spite of his massive size. Irvine definitely didn't look like that without his shirt on.

The stones seemed to agree. They hummed a little louder in her pockets and the other pair answered.

Seifer tugged the jeans down his legs and Selphie shrieked. She didn't like the thrill it gave her, but she couldn't tear her eyes away.

"Eww!" she cried. "You don't wear underwear?"

Seifer looked over his shoulder and flashed a smirk that might have been seductive if he wasn't such a chocobo's backside.

"Who told you to watch, Tilmitt?" he asked. He smiled wider as she continued to stare. "Like what you see?"

The answer was yes, because back muscles and tight, toned, tanned buns that had never known the decency of a bathing suit. But also no, because _Seifer_ , and Trabia and the stones he tricked her into handing over.

The stones!

The other pair was right _there_ , in the pocket of his coat where she could get them while he was distracted if she was quick enough.

He shot her one last grin, then grabbed a faculty robe from the rack and Selphie's window of opportunity slid wide open. She shot forward, seized the pile of clothes left so carelessly on the floor, and sprinted out of of the room with his belongings under one arm, the pink dress under the other.

"Booyaka!" she shouted.

The rocks seemed to agree. It was like having double the power! She could feel the magic of the extra two flowing through her, doubling and reinforcing her invincibility. She felt strong and goddess-like, almost a pseudo-sorceress, on the cusp of transformation.

Ooh, what would she look like if she was a Sorceress? Would she have wings like Rinoa? Or shell-horns like Edea? Or... would she look like whatever Ultimecia was? With no face and too many appendages and huge claws for hands? Or worse, like Adel with all her ugly muscles and huge feet?

Oh, no. Selphie would be a beautiful Sorceress. Tall and strong and admired for her beauty and benevolence. They would fall at her feet and bring her everything she'd ever wanted. From that tiny oven for children that made tiny cakes that her adopted family could never afford, to jewels and gold and candy, they would heap upon her lavish and extravagant gifts befitting her station.

She would make glitter a national treasure and paint every inch of Garden yellow. Anyone who defied her would be thrown into the pit of lava in the Fire Cavern or fed to Mortimer, the alpha T-rexaur a limb at a time.

No time to think of that. Seifer's socked feet slapping against tile were way too close. She needed to find a place to hide. The stones wanted to be reunited with their friends inside her own pockets, and she needed to put on her gown and ready herself for the confrontation with Squall.

She raced down the east emergency stairs and out into the corridor on the first floor. It was less of a ghost town now, with early birds on their way to breakfast or the training center. That ruled out both the TC and the cafeteria as potential hiding places. Probably the dorms as well.

Where to go? What else was left?

The infirmary was always a no-go. The library was closed at this hour. That left... the garage and the first floor ladies room.

The garage was probably the more secluded of the two and offered a little more space to move around, but the ladies didn't have security cameras in every corner.

A faculty member approached her at a rapid pace, scowling beneath the hood of their robe like they meant business. Selphie couldn't be sure it was Seifer, and she couldn't be sure it wasn't. Either way, it was bad news. She darted into the ladies restroom and into the last stall.

She hung the dress on the peg on the back of the door and dropped all of Seifer's things except the peacoat on the floor. She slipped a hand into one pocket. Then the other.

Her scream of rage could be heard from one end of Garden to the other.

* * *

Seifer stood in the middle of the second floor hallway, naked except for socks, smirking. Tilmitt thought she'd gotten the upper hand, and who was he to let her believe any different? She'd figure it out eventually.

In each hand a Shumi rock sang and vibrated. He grinned as Selphie disappeared through a door, then he turned around and went back to the Wardrobe.

The door was locked.

He jiggled the handle.

Nothing.

He'd just have to pick it, the way Selphie had. Trouble was, he didn't have anything on his person that was useful in that respect, but it wouldn't be hard to find something. At least the door wasn't equipped with an electronic lock. It could be deactivated, but it took tools and time he didn't have.

He could probably use one of the stones to smash the lock, but he didn't want to risk damaging them. They didn't look particularly fragile, but he wasn't going to take the chance.

Down the hall were three classrooms and a maintenance closet. The latter would probably be his best bet, but that door was also locked. Probably to keep students from stealing the toilet paper for pranks and the mop handles for out-of-bounds weapons. Back in his day, he would have definitely taken full advantage of an open maintenance closet.

The tempo of the stone's pulse increased and Seifer grew distracted.

Did he care that he was naked? Not really. A little awkward, but not particularly bothersome either. He'd prefer to at least have pants. Not because he didn't want anyone to see his naughty bits, but because the air conditioning in this place was set to just above freezing and shrinkage was embarrassing.

He would just have to retrieve his clothing from Selphie, and maybe the stones too. So long as he stayed mostly out of sight, he'd be fine. If he found something to cover up with in the meantime, even better. Otherwise, naked it was. And what he really needed was something to carry the stones in. A bag or a pouch or something.

The first two classrooms yielded neither a potential weapon or a means to open the Wardrobe door. Nothing useful was left behind in the drawers besides paperclips, a roll of tape, and a stapler.

Seifer left these items where they belonged and continued on, no longer sure of what he sought, but on a mission for some clue or sign of what he was supposed to do next.

It was an awful lot like being drunk, without actually being intoxicated. He had full use of his physical functions, no lag in coordination or balance, but he still had that same relaxed, uninhibited sense of freedom he only got while drunk, and all without the loss of his mental capability.

It was a good feeling. He wanted to make it permanent.

The room at the end of the hall was for Junior Cadets. A playroom of sorts, full of doll houses and blocks and story books. Outfits for dress-up hung from pegs on the wall. He poked through them one at a time to see if anything would fit or if there was anything he could use to carry the stones in. He needed his hands free, after all, in case Selphie decided to fight him.

Plenty of bags hung from those pegs. Beat up purses full of fake food and toy cars. Reusable shopping bags with the logo from Balamb's market. None of them offered him the option of hands-free carry, except for a sparkly purple oblong pouch-like thing on a strap that was similar to a tactical belt made fashionable.

There was just enough space inside to hold the stones among the broken crayons and plastic dinosaurs. Seifer zipped the stones into the pouch and clipped it around his waist. The thing was kind of stupid, and he would have heckled someone mercilessly for wearing it, but his own options were limited, and it was far less likely Selphie could use it to strangle him the way she might with a purse strap.

This was war, and he had to anticipate the enemy's offense. Selphie Tilmitt was a particularly unpredictable and savage opponent, and he would not put it past her to resort to crude means of incapacitating him. She could and would do what was necessary.

With that in mind, Seifer continued on to the stairs. Had she gone up, or down?

He didn't know what her plans were, beyond doing something crazy. Whether or not that kind of crazy involved turning the Garden into a wonderland full of glitter and sunshine, or blowing the place up, Seifer couldn't rule out either.

He peeked out the door of the stairwell to check if the coast was clear and heard voices from somewhere nearby. He couldn't see them, but recognized them immediately.

"I don't think it's a coincidence," Squall said.

"For once, I agree with you," Xu said. "One is an isolated incident. Two concern me. Even if the second fire was small, something's up."

"Has Nida radioed back?"

"Not since the last time."

Seifer smiled at the memory of adorable little Selphie Tilmitt proving that she was not to be taken lightly, in spite of her cheerful world-view. He'd never admit it, but he'd found it rather sexy, the way she took control and, without remorse, took down a guy who probably weighed twice as much as she did.

After all, there was something interesting and compelling about a woman who took charge and handled things, even if his first and incorrect instinct was to play hero. He liked competence, and Selphie was very clearly competent. He also liked the unpredictable, impulsive ones. He liked them a lot.

"Do we have confirmation that Selphie and Seifer were on the train this morning?" Squall asked.

Xu laughed that bitter, evil laugh Seifer remembered from childhood. It sent a chill down his spine. Besides Ultimecia, there was no one in the world he feared more than Xu. If bilious hatred could be called _fear_ , anyway.

"We don't, but I can find out," Xu said. "What were you thinking, sending those two together anyway?"

"I was short staffed," Squall said.

"You could have sent anyone," Xu said. "A rank 3 SeeD could have done this job with their eyes closed."

"Not with Seifer as part of the contract," Squall said. "The only other person available at the time was you. I think we both know how that would have turned out."

"That hurts my feelings, Leonhart."

Seifer stifled a laugh. Xu had no feelings. Maybe she was just mad she'd missed an opportunity to kill him.

"So, how do we handle this?" Xu asked.

"Level one lock down," Squall said. "Advise the students to remain in their dorms. Get extra coverage on all exterior doors and have the faculty begin a section by section search of the premises."

"That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Xu asked. "The car wasn't even on Garden property."

"Close enough to concern me," Squall said. "You said yourself, it's probably not a coincidence."

"A fire is not a bomb threat. It's probably just some cadets screwing off."

"Probably, but I'm not taking chances," Squall said. "Besides, it's been a while since the last drill."

There was a crackling sound from a radio and Squall wandered into view. Seifer froze and let the gap in the door close to a sliver.

 _"I just reviewed the tapes,"_ Quistis' voice said from the radio. _"Looks like the fire at the gate was set intentionally and someone cast Stop on the attendant."_

"Cadets?" Squall asked.

 _"Doesn't look like it,"_ Quistis said. _"Maybe this is crazy, and I can't see their faces on camera, but it looks a lot like Seifer and Selphie."_

Well, shit. That was going to complicate things. Seifer's own plan involved apprehending Selphie, taking the stones, and getting the hell out of there without being spotted. Now that they were looking for him, avoiding detection might be a problem.

"Xu, find out if they boarded that train," Squall said. "Quistis, initiate lock-down."

"What the hell is going on, Squall," Xu demanded. "Seifer I can see, but Selphie?"

Squall cursed.

"All they were supposed to do was escort some rocks to Shumi Village."

"Rocks?"

"Something Esthar found after the Lunar Cry," Squall said. "Stolen from the Shumi during Adel's reign."

"How did you get them?"

"How else?" Squall asked.

"You and Loire are pretty tight these days," Xu remarked.

"Whatever," Squall said. "It beneficial to have allies."

So Xu didn't know they were related. Seifer assumed everyone in Squall's immediate circle knew about it, but obviously not. He filed that bit of information away and squeezed the pouch to ensure the stones were still there.

"These rocks must be special if it took a SeeD plus Almasy to get them back to Trabia."

Squall nodded and turned toward the door. He stared hard at the exact spot where Seifer was standing, and Seifer debated whether or not to rush them and split or stay where he was.

"What do they do?" Xu asked.

"I'm not sure," Squall said.

"Liar."

Squall tore his eyes away from the door and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You've heard that the Shumi aren't reproducing anymore, right?" Squall asked. "That their numbers are dwindling?"

"I heard they were dying out, but I never really thought about it," Xu said. "I just figured they're genderless and, I don't know, clone themselves like cactuars or something."

Squall didn't smile, but he looked amused.

"Something like that," Squall said. "I don't know how it works, and I don't need to, but those rocks are a necessary part of Shumi reproduction."

"So, they're like... Shumi Mating Stones?"

Seifer let go of the pouch.

Mating stones?

What the hell?

For just a second, the rational part of his brain said to cut his losses and hand them over. He wanted no part of Shumi Mating rituals or whatever it took to make more Shumi.

Then the rocks started to sing. Loudly. A blissful, calm sensation spread through his body. He felt _great_.

Like hell he was gonna give them back.

"You hear that?" Xu asked.

Squall nodded and returned his attention to the door.

"What is that?" she asked.

Squall didn't answer. He pushed the door open. Xu's eyes widened as they travelled the length of Seifer's body. Seifer just smiled.

"Just so you know? The rocks are mine now," Seifer said. "The Shumi can blow me."

"What the hell are you doing, Almasy?" Xu asked. "And why in Hyne's name are you _naked_?"

Seifer didn't get a chance to answer. The PA system shrieked and crackled and Selphie's voice boomed from the speakers.

" _Attention everyone! Booyaka! This is Selphie Tilmitt. Garden is now under my command! Resistance is futile! I demand offerings of cotton candy and stuffed animals!"_

Xu and Squall looked at each other as gold glitter began to fall all around them like snow. Xu nodded and Squall lifted the radio to his lips.

"Attention all units. Initiate level 4 lockdown, stat," he said. "Subject is armed and extremely dangerous. Do not engage. I repeat. Do _not_ engage."

Seifer cackled.

"No! Not glitter!" he cried in falsetto. "Anything but _that_!"

"This'll go easier for you if you come quietly," Squall said.

"Never," Seifer said and lurched from the stairwell.

He aimed his shoulder into Xu. The force of his blow knocked her into Squall. They both tumbled to the ground in an awkward tangle of limbs.

At full speed, Seifer sprinted into the main corridor as a storm of glitter fell from the sky, something exploded, and all hell broke loose.


	4. Chapter 4

Covered in yards of pink frills and spangles, Selphie flounced through the Quad, adjusted her tiara and surveyed the scene. At this hour, there weren't any students taking in the morning air or hurrying to finish homework they put off until the last minute, nor were there any Garden Staff about to spoil her plans.

Her first stop after getting dressed was the preschool, of course. They had actual buckets of glitter in there, glitter she'd been told repeatedly she wasn't allowed to touch.

Well, the joke was on them now, wasn't it? She'd dumped gallons of the stuff into the air conditioning ducts and now it was raining, gold, silver and blue glitter everywhere. Just as it should be.

Her second stop was the phone on the wall just outside the Quad, to make her announcement and her demands.

The next was the small storage closet behind the stage, where she kept supplies for the Garden Festival with Squall and Xu's permission. She didn't have much space in her office,

She unlocked the closet with her personal key and sorted through the boxes of party decorations, each organized by theme and neatly labeled in her own handwriting for easy retrieval. That way, her future successor in all things party related would be able to take over the position without having to start from scratch or throw together a theme from stolen items from the preschool and cafeteria the way Selphie had. It was all here: all four seasons, starry nights, Liberation Day, Balamb Pride, Solstice. Hyne's Day and Memorial Day and the Equinoxes. Tropical themes and birthdays, graduation, back to school. She had it covered.

Near the back of the closet, though, was that one unlabeled box that contained no theme. Inside was a stash of leftover fireworks from the last festival. She'd been planning to save them for her birthday, but from now on, everyday would be her birthday.

She opened the box and lifted several small mortar rounds from it. They were more noise than anything, but they would get the job done. She meant business, after all. Nothing wrong with making sure everyone knew she was serious.

No use in letting them go to waste. It was time to party!

She checked to make sure the stones were still secured in her bra, then gathered the fireworks to her chest and carried them over to one of the trash bins and dumped them inside.

Now, to light them.

She didn't have matches or a lighter. There was a lighter in her dress, which she'd left back in the ladies restroom, but she didn't have time to retrieve it.

Fire spell it was, then.

The trash bin caught fire, and Selphie backed up a few paces, gleefully anticipating the blast, and rubbed her palms together.

Plastic melted and smoked as the fire consumed the material, but nothing exploded for several, torturous seconds. Then, there was a bright flash and an eardrum-splitting blast, and Selphie was knocked to the ground as the fireworks all detonated at the same time.

Sizzling plastic pelted her body and acrid smoke filled her lungs, but the aftermath was brief and left her without injury.

The same could not be said for her dress. The fabric was covered in dark soot and some of the beads had melted in the heat, the frills at the hem were singed and frayed at the edges.

Selphie pouted and dusted herself off, checked the sole of each of her boots, then turned her attention back to the still-burning trash bin. Flames shot up from inside the can and the plastic top had melted down the sides like wax. It looked like a candle! Neat!

She didn't have time to stand there and admire her work. There were still things to do. She needed to parlay with Squall and accept his unconditional surrender, then she needed to apprehend Seifer and take back what belonged to her.

Smelling of smoke and covered in soot, Selphie hurried out of the quad just as an alarm began to sound and strobes began to flash from various spots along the main corridor. It looked like a party, but that noise was killing her mood.

The stones didn't like it either. They made a weird wailing sound, like it hurt their ears.

If they had ears, that was. Selphie didn't know. She was sure they could hear, but how they heard was a mystery.

Time to head upstairs to her new office, where she would turn off that obnoxious alarm and play some fun pop music instead. The cadets would like that, wouldn't they? Something light that they could dance to?

She darted toward the elevator, where a glitter-coated Squall waited for her with his arms crossed over his chest. At the mouth of the entrance, several SeeDs, dressed tactically, amassed to lodge an assault on something outside.

"Get out of my way, Squall," Selphie said.

"Can't," Squall said. "I need the stones back."

"They're mine!" she roared. "You can't have them back!"

"Selphie, you're only hurting yourself."

"I'm in charge now!" she said. "You will submit to my demands or suffer the consequences!"

"I'm not giving you cotton candy."

"I don't care about cotton candy!" she yelled. "I want a bigger budget for festivals and for you guys to stop treating me like every idea I have is crazy!"

Squall's mouth twitched.

"You're not doing yourself any favors right now," Squall said. He casually dusted glitter from the sleeve of his jacket. "I would have preferred a conversation."

"It's too late for a conversation! Garden is mine!" she said. "The stones are _mine_! We're going to party until we drop and you can't do anything about it, either!"

"No?" Squall asked.

"NO!"

Selphie's foot shot out and the sole of her boot collided with his shin. He doubled over and she shoved him as hard as she could, then danced down the steps, out of Squall's reach and sprinted down the hall.

Squall chased her, but she was way faster than he was. She might be small, and she might be weak in comparison, but she'd always been able to out run him without breaking a sweat. Squall was an endurance guy, the kind that believed slow and steady won the race, but Selphie knew better.

She ran as fast as her short legs would carry her and hung a right into the cafeteria when she was sure she'd lost him.

The smells of breakfast reminded her that she hadn't eaten that delicious looking waffle. As awesome as using it as a weapon against Seifer had been, she would rather have it now because she was starving.

The cafeteria ladies were hard at work behind the counter, pushing eggs and bacon and sausage around on the griddle, and stocking silverware and plates, and filling coffee pots with grounds.

It all smelled so good!

She skirted around the counter and into the back, where a tray of bacon sat on a warming table next to a bin of eggs. She shoved two strips of bacon into her mouth and reached for a fistful for the road.

"No unauthorized personnel behind the counter!"

Selphie wrapped a one hand around the bacon and grabbed a knife from the block. She waved it in front of her as the cafeteria lady approached, and backed up. No one was going to take her bacon away from her. That, too, was hers now.

"What the devil is wrong with you, girl?" the woman asked. "You on something?"

"Stay back," Selphie said. "Let me have the bacon and no one gets hurt."

"If you want bacon, we start serving in twenty minutes," the woman said.

"I want bacon now, and I'll take what I want, thank you very much," Selphie said. She stuffed the handful down the front of her dress. "I'm leaving now."

"Yo! Didn't you get the message?!" a familiar voice shouted. "We're on lockdown, which means y'all need to get to safety!"

Zell bounded into view, his brow furrowed and his eyes a little wild. He hadn't done his hair this morning, so it lay in limp strands across his forehead, but stuck up in the back like he'd been summoned to duty while still asleep.

Which didn't make sense because he was supposed to be on a mission.

"Oh yeah, and make sure the hot dogs are secure first," Zell said. He stopped when he saw Selphie, blinked, and assumed a fighting stance. "Squall says I gotta apprehend you. What did you do, Sef?"

"Nothing," Selphie said innocently. "I just wanted bacon."

Zell dropped his fists a little, still on defense, but more relaxed than before. His pupils dilated, going from baby blue to black in half a second.

"Bacon sounds good."

"You want some?" Selphie asked. "There's a whole pan over here. Help yourself."

"Hell yeah," Zell said and hopped the counter instead of going around. "Think I could get some hot dogs, too?"

Selphie turned her knife on the lunch ladies.

"You heard him," she said. "Get the man some hot dogs. As many as he wants. Or else."

"Only the breakfast dogs are ready," the cafeteria lady said.

"That works," Zell said. "Gimmie like... eight."

Selphie grinned and stuck a strip of bacon from the pan into her mouth. No reason to deplete her stash when there was plenty right there for the taking.

"I thought you were out on a job," Selphie said. She thought about his exploded car. He must not know about it yet, or else he'd be way more pissed than he was now. "Squall said you'd be gone for a week or two. When did you get in?"

"Got halfway there and they canceled it," Zell helped himself to the pan of bacon. "Quistis picked us up at the docks like an hour ago. I was gonna go home to Ma's, but she said something was up and I needed to be here, so here I am."

Selphie almost stabbed his hand for taking what was hers, but there was plenty for the both of them. She was a benevolent leader. She could share with friends.

"So, uh, what's the deal?" Zell asked through a mouthful. "Squall's acting like you're the enemy."

"I guess to him, I am," she said. "I've taken over Garden."

Zell startled and turned his face slowly back to hers.

"Why?"

"Because nobody wants to do things my way, and now that I have a secret weapon, they have no choice," she declared. "Hey, you wanna be my second-in-charge? I'll allow T-boards on missions and you can have all the hot dogs you want, all day long."

Zell nodded slowly.

"That sounds good..." he said. "Yo. What's that buzzing sound?"

"Oh, that's just the stones," Selphie said. "They're special."

"Yeah?" he asked. "Like magic special?"

"Yep. And they're mine, so don't be getting any crazy ideas about taking them."

The cafeteria lady unceremoniously dropped a plate stacked high with breakfast dogs on the counter beside Zell.

"There, now get the hell out of my kitchen."

"Don't you threaten her!" Zell shouted and balled his hands into fists. "She's in charge now!"

Woah. Now that was something. She had an ally? Or maybe Zell was just putting on a show, pretending to be an ally so that he could steal the stones from her.

Then again, Zell wasn't very good at lying or pretending to be anything but what he was – an exiteable, kind, friendly ball of repressed rage.

"Zell, cool it, okay?" Selphie said. "We've got bigger problems."

"Yeah?" he demanded, as if it wasn't obvious. "What's that?"

"One, the whole of Garden's staff is after me," she said, "and two, Seifer's got the other two stones, and I need them to become the supreme being that I deserve to be."

"Woah, hold up – Almasy?" Zell said. "Do we gotta fight him?"

"Maybe," Selphie said. "He's not exactly cooperating."

"Count me in, Sef," Zell said and shoved a breakfast dog in his mouth. "I need to reacquaint him with my left hook."

"Then let's go find him."

* * *

The morning sunshine felt great on Seifer's bare skin. The breeze smelled of the ocean.

It reminded him of simpler times, easier times. Looking around at this place, he missed Raijin and Fujin something fierce, but they were busy with their own lives now, setting up a holistic living shop in FH, and had little time to visit unless he was the one to visit them.

He thought of the angry boy he'd once been. A boy who hated being called a boy, but in reality still remained a child in spite of his tall frame and strong body. That boy didn't know that he was still innocent, and if he'd been asked, he would claim his innocence had been lost years ago.

Seifer wanted that back, to rewind time and warn his younger self, but there was no going back and no changing the path he was on now. He was obligated to Esthar, to Laguna, until the things he broke were fixed. Maybe, the stones could help with that. Somehow.

A shout came from somewhere behind him, and he started to run. He wasn't sure where he was going, but back inside was the most logical plan, since Selphie was still inside with all of his belongings.

He turned around to make a break for the entrance, only to find there were eight SeeDs plus Xu, all with their weapons ready to take him out. He paused and surveyed his surroundings.

Grass. Fountains. The front gate.

Trees.

He could climb a tree.

Nope. Two of the SeeDs had long range weapons, and though Xu fought with blades, she was a well known marksman and carried at least one pistol at all times as a back up. They'd just shoot him out of the tree like an unfortunate squirrel on the other side of a child's BB gun.

"Put your hands up, Almasy," Xu said. "You're outnumbered."

Seifer scoffed, but she was right. He didn't have a weapon, only the stones, and there were nine of them. Five or six, he could handle on his own, weapon or not, but not nine.

What to do? Surrender was not an option. Even without the stones, Seifer Almasy would not go down without a fight.

Slowly, he raised his hands in the air, then darted to the left, through a flowerbed, toward the maintenance shed, where the groundskeeper's tools were kept. Probably a blade or something in there he could use to defend himself.

The door was unlocked, the groundskeeper inside servicing a weed eater on a worktable. She turned on him in surprise, but Seifer ignored her. His sights were set on the riding lawn mower.

It was a souped up version of a regular one, with a scoop on the front to move mulch and small debris like leaves and cut foliage.

He smiled at the groundskeeper, who could do nothing but stare at the strange, naked, but good looking man in her shed.

"Give me the key," he said.

Her green eyes turned to black holes and she nodded, reached for the peg board over the worktable and plucked a key off the rack.

Seifer snatched it, planted himself on the plush seat and started the mower. It roared to life, and he backed it out of the shed, imagining himself mowing Selphie down in the main corridor. The stones were about to be his. All four of them.

Outside, he stepped on the throttle and the thing shot forward. He aimed it toward the bewildered group of SeeDs, going fast enough, he could feel the wind in his hair. It felt like he was flying across the lawn, like the thing might take off into the sky like a bird of prey.

Xu was screeching something into her radio, but Seifer couldn't hear it over the motor. His attention was on the pair behind the SeeDs. Selphie, looking like she'd slid down a chimney, and Dincht, with his mouth full, a hot dog in each hand.

He aimed the lawn mower toward them, as Selphie broke from the steps and headed straight for him with murder in her eyes, a pink sparkly streak of pure rage. Seifer, still quite sure the mower went faster than she could run, steered out of her path and across the concrete promenade toward the gate.

He was startled when something hard collided with his back, and arms wrapped around his neck, cutting off his air supply.

"Give me my stones!" Selphie shrieked.

Seifer clawed at her arms as the lawnmower hung a left on its own. He couldn't breathe.

His foot was still on the gas, and he figured if he stepped on the brake abruptly, Selphie would go flying, right into his path.

So he did.

Selphie listed heavily into his back and bit down on his shoulder, but she didn't let go. He took his foot off the break and stepped on the gas again, and steered it to the right and held it there. The mower spun around and around and around, inducing a bit of motion sickness, but Seifer didn't let go until a hand wedged itself down between the seat and his back, and deftly unclipped the purple pouch around his waist.

Selphie lifted her arm into the air in triumph.

"Mine!" she shouted. "You are all my minions now!"

Seifer let go of the steering wheel and made a dive for the pouch, furious that she'd taken it so easily. She held it just out of arm's reach and then bashed him upside the head with it.

He saw stars and the world blurred. Between the spinning and the assault on his noggin, he was sure he was going to vomit.

All the while, Xu and the SeeDs stared in awe at the spectacle before them, unsure of how to proceed.

Selphie ranted about something while Seifer tried to get his bearings and come up with a plan to subdue her.

A second later, the lawnmower pitched forward at a low angle, there was a splash, and Seifer was drenched from head to toe.

He'd driven it right into the fountain.

Selphie, looking no less pissed off than a wet cat, popped up from the water behind him and lunged.

"You ruined my dress!"

Seifer didn't have time to protect himself. Selphie shoved him down, her eyes wild black pits of seething fury, and kissed him right on the mouth.

That was definitely not what he expected.

He didn't get to enjoy it, or drown her as he'd planned. Something stabbed into the back of his neck like a wasp sting. A split second later, a thin dart lodged into Selphie's arm.

She pulled back and stared at him with dull eyes as a flood of sedative poured into Seifer's veins. He cursed and slumped back on his elbows. Selphie slumped against him.

"They're gonna take my stones," Selphie complained. Her eyes were green again. "Don't let them!"

Seifer's bones had turned to noodly jelly. Sleep sounded like the best time he'd had in a while.

"Sorry, Tilmitt," he muttered. "Can't help you."

"Jerk."

Seifer had never pretended anything different.

"Psycho," he answered.

"I hate you."

"Good," he said. "Now get off me."

She didn't.

She fished something from the bodice of her dress and waved it in his face. She smiled sleepily and tapped it against his lips.

"I've got some bacon," she said. "Want some?"

Seifer accepted it and shoved the soggy, salty strip into his mouth and chewed it slowly. It was hard to keep his eyes open, but it was too delicious not to eat.

"Good, right?" she mumbled. "I ate, like, five pieces earlier."

She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. A second later, she was snoring softly.

It was kind of nice.

Too bad she hated him.

Oh well. His life was full of missed opportunities. What was one more?

* * *

Several hours later, after the drugs had worn off and they were both in their right minds again, Selphie and Seifer sat in Squall's office awaiting their punishment. Seifer was appropriately shame-faced, which was a surprise to Selphie. She couldn't even tell if he was just faking it for the sake of a lighter sentence or if it was for real.

Squall paced back and forth behind his desk, one arm crossed over his chest, the other grasping his chin. Every now and then, he stopped, looked at the both of them, opened his mouth to speak, then resumed his pacing.

The longer he drew it out, the worse Selphie felt.

"Get on with it already, Leonhart," Seifer said. "The suspense is killing me."

"Shut up," Squall said.

He paced his endless circuit twice more before he finally stopped behind his desk chair and let his hands rest against the top of the seat.

"There's a reason I told you not to open the box."

"Might have helped if you'd said something besides ' _Don't open the box_ ,'" Seifer said. "You know me well enough to know when you say not to do something, I'm gonna do it."

Squall cut his eyes at Seifer.

"My father trusted you," Squall said. "He _cried_ when I told him."

Seifer shriveled in his chair. This was clearly the wrong thing to say to him, or maybe the right thing. He looked truly remorseful for the first time in probably his whole, entire life.

"Sit up," Squall said. "You're stupid, but you're not three feet tall, so stop pretending you are."

Seifer rearranged himself, but couldn't manage to look at anything but the edge of Squall's desk.

Selphie decided he must still be hungover from the tranquilizer if he was going to take the insult without comment. She was still feeling it too. All her natural bubbliness was suppressed by the remnants of the drugging. She couldn't even manage to make light of the situation.

"What are you going to do to us?" Selphie asked in a small voice.

Squall finally sat down. He templed his hands against his chin and looked at her for a long time.

"You stole a dinner cart from the hotel, stole a car and blew it up -"

"That was an accident!"

"You accidentally stole a car?"

"Well, not that part, but the blowing up was!"

"You started a fire, broke into the Wardrobe and stole some clothing, filled the air conditioning ducts with glitter, detonated a grenade -"

"It wasn't a grenade," Selphie said. She shifted to the edge of her chair. "They were just fireworks! I swear."

"Which might have been harmless, except you lit several at once, which caused considerable damage to the quad."

"I didn't mean to!"

"Then, you assaulted the cafeteria staff over bacon," Squall continued, "tried to strangle Almasy with your bare hands, and drove a lawnmower into the fountain. Did I miss anything?"

Selphie dropped her gaze to her lap and shook her head.

"She bit me too," Seifer said. "Twice, actually."

"Don't get me started on you," Squall said.

"She stole my clothes, too," Seifer said. "So, whatever you're about to say, blame her."

Squall pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back in his chair.

"Seifer, you're going back to Esthar," Squall said. "Laguna can deal with you."

"And me?" Selphie asked. "What about me?"

Squall said nothing. He just looked at her. His face revealed nothing.

The silence was killing her.

"It was the stones, Squall," she said. "They made me do it, okay? I don't know what they are, but they made me want to do crazy things, and it's not my fault that Seifer decided we needed to open the box!"

Squall cut her off with a motion of his hand. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and shook his head.

"I get it, alright?" he said. "Neither of you were in your right mind."

"You can't let the Shumi have them," Selphie said, now worried about crazed Shumi wandering the earth. "It's gonna make them try to take over the world."

Squall shifted his gaze to Seifer.

"You wanna tell her what they are?" Squall asked. "Or should I?"

Seifer grinned and shifted in his seat toward Selphie.

"The Shumi use 'em to get it on," Seifer said. "Or... clone each other, or somethin' like that."

"They use them for reproduction purposes," Squall said stiffly.

Selphie gaped at him. Reproduction?

"For real?" Selphie squeaked. "Oh, geez, Squall. Don't tell me I'm not gonna wind up pregnant with a Shumi-human hybrid! Or worse, a _Seifer-human hybrid!_ "

Squall made a choking sound, coughed, and covered his mouth with his palm. Seifer snorted and leaned back in his chair.

"If you are, it's gonna be the best looking kid ever," Seifer said. "With my cheekbones? And your... I dunno, nose or whatever? Our kids will be smokin hot when they grow up."

"I don't want to have your kids!" Selphie shrieked. "Hot or otherwise!"

"We'll find out soon enough," Squall said.

"We didn't even do anything but kiss! For like, a second! That's all!" Selphie said. "Tell me it isn't possible!"

Squall stared at her impassively, but the corner of his mouth twitched and he dropped his head into his hands, laughing. It was a rare enough sound, Squall laughing, but it was even rarer that it was at Selphie's expense.

"As far as I know, no," Squall said as he struggled to hide his grin. "I don't think it works like that."

Selphie, inexplicably, burst into tears. They were tears of relief, but also anger and frustration. Squall was actually torturing her, and having fun with it, too.

"I never knew you were such a meanie," Selphie bawled. "That was really... _mean_."

"You deserve a lot worse for disobeying orders," Squall said.

Selphie wiped her eyes and sniffled. She wished he'd just get on with it and tell her whether or not she was in for a rough time going forward. He sat back in his chair and drummed his fingers against the desk. He seemed to be considering something.

"We're aware that the stones can cause some... unusual behavior in humans," Squall said. "While you're off the hook for trying stage a coup, you're still not exempt from deliberately going against your mission directives."

"So what's my punishment, boss?" she asked. "The brig?"

"No," he said. "You'll be demoted ten ranks -"

"Ten?!"

"I can make it twenty."

"No. Ten is fine," Selphie said quickly. "I deserve it."

"And, you're on suspension indefinitely, without pay, until every speck of glitter is gone," Squall said. "And I mean _all_ of it."

Selphie's eyes widened. That would be next to impossible. She'd used several gallon jugs of the stuff. Who knew how far the air had blown it.

"That might take years!" she cried.

"So be it," Squall said with a satisfied look on his face. "You can get started this afternoon. Seifer, a car will take you to the train station in a couple hours."

"What about Zell's car?" Selphie asked. "Does he know?"

"That you stole it?" Squall asked. "No. As far as he knows, someone took it for a joyride and wrecked it. Insurance will cover the damage."

"Oh," Selphie said. "That's good. I guess."

"You might consider telling him the truth," Squall said. "He's pretty upset."

"You're not going to?"

"No," Squall said. "I'd rather not have to watch you two not speak to one another over the lunch table for the next six years."

If she didn't tell him, she would have to live with the guilt forever. If she did, she might lose his friendship. Which, she probably deserved.

"Maybe I'll buy him a moped or something," Selphie said. "He really liked that car..."

"Are we dismissed?" Seifer asked.

Squall nodded. "Dismissed."

Selphie stood up followed Seifer out of the office. At the door, she paused.

"So what happens to the stones now?" she wondered.

"Xu will handle it. You don't need to worry about it anymore."

Selphie hoped Xu didn't open the box. Selphie and Seifer might have failed their respective personal magic mating stone missions, but she doubted Xu would stop, at any cost. Then they'd all be in trouble.

"Hope you trust her, Squall," she said. "I know I joke around a lot, but those things are really powerful."

"I'm aware," Squall said. "Don't worry. We've got it under control."

Selphie had to trust that he did. If she was him, she'd want the stones destroyed, just in case, but that was up to him and Laguna and the Shumi, she supposed.

"Hey Squall?"

"What, Selphie?" Squall asked with exaggerated patience.

"For what it's worth... I'm sorry."

"I'll believe that when the glitter is gone," Squall said.

That sounded like a never to Selphie.

Dejected, she joined Seifer in the hall.

"Can I walk you out?" she asked.

Seifer looked her over and shrugged.

"What the hell. Why not?"

* * *

Selphie didn't say anything as they made their way down to the lobby. Everything was coated in a thick dusting of glitter, giving the place a weird, fairy-tale land appearance, like everything had been dipped in gold. It shimmered in the moat and on the backs of the water-barfing fish statues and on the leaves of the pants.

Seifer had never considered that glitter could be used as a weapon, but the evidence of otherwise was right before him. It was pure evil, too. He was going to have a hell of a time getting it out of the creases in his skin.

"Crazy, huh?" Selphie finally said as they stepped out into the afternoon sunlight. "I guess it could have been really bad."

"I guess," Seifer said.

He poked at a crack in the sidewalk with his boot. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted the last twelve or so hours behind him.

She clutched her elbow and then locked her hands behind her back as she shifted from one foot to the other.

"Hey Seifer?"

"Yeah?"

"I forgive you," she said. "For... Trabia. I think I get it now."

He never asked for forgiveness for anything, least of all things beyond his control. It was on the tip of his tongue to say something hateful in response, but those big green eyes were too sincere and too vulnerable. It must have cost her some of her pride to say it and mean it.

"Thanks," he said.

"So, you're going back to Esthar?" Selphie said. "Sir Laguna's gonna be pretty mad, huh?"

"Nah," Seifer said. "He calls me the _son that actually likes him_. He'll forgive me in a day or two."

It was Kiros Seifer worried about. There was a good chance Seifer would pay for this screw up in subtle ways over the next decade or so. And Ward. He could crush Seifer with one hand if he wanted to.

"You like working for Laguna?" Selphie asked.

"It's alright," Seifer said. "Got my own place, can come and go as I please, and I get to play by my rules, so it's got its perks."

"Sounds like it."

Selphie brushed some glitter from her bare arm and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye then," she said and nodded to the vehicle waiting beyond the gate. "Car's waiting."

"Yeah," Seifer said. He shoved his fists in the pockets of his peacoat and turned for the car, but stopped and turned back around. "Hey, Tilmitt? If you're ever in Esthar, look me up. We'll go out drinking or something."

* * *

Selphie couldn't have been more surprised if he'd saif he was turning into a moomba. She blinked at him, unsure of how to respond. Were they friends now?

"Are you... asking me on a date?"

"If that's what you wanna call it," Seifer said. He scratched his chin. "You know what? Forget it. We don't gotta make it a thing."

"Sure," she said. "It'll be fun. Maybe not stealing cars and streaking kind of fun, but... I mean, I probably won't try to drown you as long as there are no Shumi Whoopie Rocks floating around."

Seifer actually smiled. It was a genuine, actual smile that made him look like a normal, human guy and not the devil or a stupidly handsome male model. It was a cute smile. Boyish and charming without being arrogant.

The kind of smile Selphie Tilmitt fell hard for.

Oh, boy. Maybe she had. A little. Because of the stones. Not because he was good looking or anything.

"You know, you're actually alright, Tilmitt," he said. "I bet back in the day, if you'd grown up here, me and you woulda given 'em hell."

Selphie could picture the two of them, thick as thieves, plotting devious acts and starting fires, just like back at the orphanage. It would have been pure luck if Garden was left standing by the time they graduated.

"Probably for the best," Selphie said. "Hey, how did you know strawberry waffles were my favorite? And don't lie, you lying liar."

Seifer shrugged.

"They were your favorite, back at the orphanage."

"You remembered?"

"I remembered," he said, winked and flashed his cockiest smile. "See you 'round, Tilmitt."

"Take care," she said, actually sorry to see him go.

She waited on the sidewalk until the car pulled out of view.

Then, she reported for glitter cleaning duty.

She had to admit, as much as that sucked, it could have been a lot worse.

* * *

Xu sat aboard the train bound for Timber, the box containing the Shumi stones in her lap. She was quite positive they were speaking to her through the ornate wooden lid, whispering terrible and encouraging things, and singing soothing songs from her childhood to help her relax.

Unlike Almasy and Tilmitt, Xu was unaccompanied. Squall trusted her to do this job and to do it right. As much as she couldn't stand Leonhart, she was not the kind of SeeD to botch a mission out of spite. She would deliver the stones and return to Balamb without incident, as it should have been in the first place.

But...

It couldn't hurt to open the box and take a look.

Could it?

* * *

 _~end_

* * *

Notes:

So, since life is incredibly busy right now, and I'm actually having to adult full time, even off the clock, this may be the last fic I complete. I hope not, but I'm trying to be realistic, so if it turns out to be the last thing I publish, I wanted to say THANK YOU to anyone who has ever left a review on any of my stories. It was those kind words that kept me writing for as long as I have, and I appreciate the support you guys have given me the last few years. Without that, I would have quit a long time ago, so from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for reading and for sticking with me. _  
_


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